The Inn At Seagrove - Rachel Hanna
Chapter One
Meg rocked in the chair, the darkened nursery only dimly lit by the moonlight outside the window. Clouds were obscuring most of it, but she could still make out the crib across the room and, of course, the little red light illuminating from the baby monitor on the table nearby.
The room wasn’t that big, but neither was the apartment that she and Christian shared with their new daughter, Vivi. Meg wasn’t accustomed to such a small space having grown up in a large suburban home. At least the tiny dorm room at the university she attended in France prepared her for living in tight quarters.
Tonight, like most nights, she had hidden herself away in the nursery even though Vivi was fast asleep in her crib. She wanted to say that she needed to be close to her new baby, but right now she was just trying to get space. She needed quiet. She longed for a peace that just wouldn’t come.
When the doctor had laid her new baby on her chest, she’d felt a rush of love she didn’t even know was possible. Her cheeks hurt for days because of the huge smile she had plastered on her face every time she looked at Vivi.
And then something changed. At first, it seemed subtle. She didn’t want to get up and do her two AM feeding. Of course, she had to since she was breast feeding, but she didn’t want to have that bonding time for some reason. She felt disconnected, in a way.
Then there were the days she cried all day long. Her doctor told her that her hormones were all over the place and would regulate themselves soon enough. She felt alone and exhausted.
The few times she’d tried to explain her feelings to Christian, he’d looked much like a deer caught in the headlights. She knew he wanted to help, but most of the time she felt like wringing his neck.
Her emotions just made no sense. She was both panicky and depressed, angry and yet sad. She didn’t know if she was coming or going most of the time.
At twenty years old, she hadn’t expected to be a new mom. She didn’t think she’d be living in a tiny South Carolina town where she knew no one but her family and Dixie. She felt isolated and too embarrassed to tell her mother what was going on. She’d put her through enough getting pregnant so young and out of wedlock.
Every night, before she fell asleep, she prayed so hard that God would make her a good mother. She prayed that He would take these awful feelings away and replace them with happiness and joy. She hadn’t felt much joy in the two months since giving birth.
What was a new mother supposed to feel like, anyway? Surely, it wasn’t sad, anxious and depressed. Wasn’t she supposed to gaze upon the brand new life she’d created and feel a welling up of love and excitement?
For her, that hadn’t happened since the first few days after having Vivi. Of course, there were short moments of peace where she stared at her new daughter and thanked God for this wonderful gift. But, there were more times that she wanted to curl up into the fetal position and cry for days.
Her heart broke that this was her first experience with motherhood and that Vivi wasn’t feeling enough love from her. What would that do to her daughter as she grew up? Would this time of her life make her feel disconnected from others or depressed herself one day?
It was all too much.
She sucked in a deep breath and blew it out. The air smelled of baby powder. She could hear Vivi quietly breathing a few feet away and wondered what that kind of peace felt like.
“Hey,” she heard Christian say softly from the doorway. He had to know something was wrong. After all, he’d found her crying earlier in the day, holding a dirty diaper in one hand and a pack of animal crackers in the other. She’d been so tired and hungry and worn down that she just froze in place, forgetting that she was trying to eat a snack.
“Hey,” she said, not turning around to face him. Instead, she kept rocking and staring out the window.
“You coming to bed soon?”
“I don’t know,” she said. Part of her wanted to sleep in the rocker. The other part of her wanted to go outside and run until her legs gave out, and she wasn’t even