Inhale, Exhale - By Sarah M. Ross Page 0,33
skin, and I took cold showers.
Lots and lots of cold showers.
It killed me, every fuckin’ day, knowing she was down the hall, but I couldn’t be with her. It went against every instinct, telling me to scream MINE and pee in a circle around her cubicle so everyone knew it, too. But it wasn’t what she wanted. She wasn’t ready.
I’d bide my time until she was, because if she felt even half of what I did, she’d come back. I had to be patient. I didn’t send her any more IMs or emails. I didn’t answer when she called IT for help. JT was all too willing to rush over and help, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted what I couldn’t have. Was it fair to her to ice her out? No, absolutely not. But it was the only way I could cope with her being so close to me without the ability to do anything about it.
The weekend was easier. Without her right down the hallway, the tight ball in my chest loosened ever so slightly.
Monday night I stayed late at work when I heard a soft knock at the door.
“Can I come in?”
Jillian hovered in the doorway, once again picking at the hangnail on her thumb. She was nervous, and as painful as being near her was, pretending like I didn’t want to be with her every day hurt worse.
“Yeah, sure. Have a seat.” I saved my file and closed the lid on my laptop, curious as to why she was here. She looked absolutely gorgeous in a simple yellow sundress that fell to her ankles and those cork wedge sandals which laced up her calves and peeked into view when she crossed her legs.
“I wanted to apologize, Grant. About last week. It was my fault.”
I shifted my seat closer and grabbed her hand in mine. Pain, remorse, and something akin to longing filled her face and eyes. Sitting here in my harsh office full of wires and equipment, she looks so delicate. I wanted to take her somewhere beautiful, like a museum or a waterfall. Some place where the beauty of the surroundings matched the beauty of the girl.
“Stop, Jillian. You don’t need to apologize. I’m to blame, not you. I was totally out of line. I knew you had a boyfriend, but I wanted you anyway. I still want you.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, just for a second. “No. I led you on. I never once tried to stop you. I don’t blame you.” She paused, staring at me momentarily. “And I wanted you, too. I shouldn’t, it’s wrong, but I do.”
My heart swelled at her words. “So now what?”
She sighed and sat back in her seat, letting go of my hand. “Can we at least go back to being friends? I really enjoy your company, and I don’t want to stop hanging out with you. We just can’t go any further, okay? Friends. Is that something you’d want?”
What I wanted was her. All of her. But that wasn’t possible. So I’d settle for the next best thing. Because I’m a chump. And because I’m pretty sure she was worth it.
“Yes, Jillian. I think I can manage that.”
Jillian’s smile widened, and she nodded. “Good. So what do two friends do around here for fun?”
“Drinks?” I suggested. I didn’t want her to think of it as a date and back off again, and this sounded like the least harmless.
Jillian hopped up and grabbed her purse. “Sounds perfect. Let’s go.”
I picked a quiet place that had outdoor seating since it was such a beautiful night. I found a small table in the far corner where the music from the jukebox wasn’t too loud and the other patrons wouldn’t distract us.
“So what’s your poison?” I asked.
She smiled sheepishly and covered her face in her hands. “I’m such an idiot. They’re never going to serve me here. I’m only nineteen.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got you covered. It’s one drink, it’s not like you’re going to get hammered.”
She bit the side of her lip. “Are you sure? I don’t want to get us thrown out or anything.”
“Just tell me what you want.”
“Um, a rum and Coke would be perfect. Thanks.”
“It’s my pleasure.” I stood and headed to the bar to place our order. The bartender was a guy I went to grad school with, and I knew he wouldn’t give me any trouble. I returned a minute later with the drinks and held mine up. “A toast.”
“And what are