attraction. They were my momentary refuge, and there was nothing odd about my resting my gaze on his lips, I did that so frequently it was normal, and there was no reason why it should reinforce his suspicions, I raised one finger and touched his lips, gently traced their outline with the tip of my finger, a long caress, I thought it might calm him, fill him with a sense of confidence and security, a wordless way of saying to him: ‘Nothing has changed, I’m still here, I still love you. Not that I’m telling you anything you don’t know already, you realized that a long time ago and you allow yourself to be loved by me, it’s nice to feel loved by someone who isn’t going to ask anything of you. I’ll withdraw whenever you decide that enough is enough, when you open the front door and watch me walk over to the lift, knowing that I won’t be back. When Luisa’s grief finally runs its course and your love is reciprocated, I will stand aside without a murmur, I know I’m a purely temporary feature in your life, another day and another, then no more. But don’t worry yourself now, it’s all right, I didn’t hear anything, I didn’t find out anything you would want to hide or keep to yourself, and if I did, it doesn’t matter, you’re safe with me, I’m not going to betray you, I’m not even sure I heard what I heard, or, rather, I don’t believe what I heard, I’m sure there must be some mistake, an explanation or even – who knows – a justification. Perhaps Desvern harmed you in some way, perhaps he had already tried to kill you, again through a third party, by sheer cunning, and then it was either you or him, perhaps you had no alternative, there wasn’t room in the world for both of you, and that makes it almost like self-defence. There’s no reason for you to fear me, I love you, I’m on your side, I’m not going to judge you. Besides, don’t forget, this is all pure imagination on your part, I don’t know anything.’
I didn’t actually think all this and certainly not as clearly, but that is what I tried to transmit to him through that fingertip lingering on his lips, and he let me stroke his lips, all the while fixing me with his eyes, trying to detect any signals that contradicted those I was intently giving out, for it was clear that he still didn’t trust me. That lack of trust would be difficult if not impossible to rectify, it would never go away entirely, it would diminish or increase, shrink or expand, but it would always be there.
‘He didn’t come to do me a favour,’ he answered. ‘This time, he came to ask a favour of me, that’s why he had to see me so urgently. Thanks for your offer, though.’
I knew this wasn’t true, they were both in the same tight spot, and it would be difficult for one to extricate the other, the most they could do was reassure each other and await events, trusting that nothing else would happen, that the tramp’s words would fall on deaf ears and that no one would bother to investigate further. Yes, that’s what they had done, calmed each other down and banished any feelings of panic.
‘My pleasure.’
Then he placed one hand on my shoulder, and it felt like a heavy weight, as if a great lump of meat had fallen on me. Díaz-Varela was not particularly big or strong, although he was reasonably tall, but nearly all men, or most, can dredge up strength from somewhere, at least they seem by comparison much stronger than us women, we are so easily frightened, all it takes is a single threatening or angry or immoderate gesture, the way they grab our wrist or embrace us too roughly or push us back violently on to the bed. I was glad that my shoulder was covered by my sweater, because that weight on my bare skin would, I thought, have made me shudder, it wasn’t something he usually did. He squeezed my shoulder slightly, without hurting me, as if he were going to offer me a piece of advice or confide in me, I imagined how that one hand would feel around my throat, just one, let alone two. I feared that, with a rapid movement, he might transfer his hand to