over and hugs him. “We know, darling. We’re sorry.”
There’s too many things we haven’t done.
They entertain themselves by listing some of the things they haven’t done.
“I haven’t been with two women,” Duncan announces in a tone of someone who fully expects the women around him to do something about it.
The girls throw newspapers at him, towels, empty bags. Shut up, Duncan. Enough out of you, Duncan. Now that poor Phil and Lucinda are gone, you think you can say things like this, Duncan?
“I didn’t say I necessarily wanted it to be you girls, my dear sisters of mercy,” Duncan says to Sheila and Kate. “I mean like in general.” He glances at Shona and then away.
Shona doesn’t seem like the kind of gal who would put up with that kind of nonsense, and yet she does. “So what if you haven’t been with two women?” Shona says. “What man here can lay claim to such a thing? Nick, can you?”
“Fuck off!” says Nick.
“Robbie, can you?”
“I’m not even going to respond,” Peter Roberts says.
“Wild’s not here. I bet you he has,” says Duncan. “Lucky bastard. He’s done it all.”
They turn to Julian. “You’ve told us some crazy stories, Jules,” Duncan says. “Dungeons, corpses, bloodshed. Perhaps you’ve got a naughtier story? Now’s the perfect time for it.”
“Now is most certainly not the perfect time for it, and if I did have that kind of story, you think I’d tell you?” Julian winks at Mia, and she laughs.
“I haven’t danced a jitterbug,” says Kate. “Me and Bobby were going to go, and then the dance club was bombed, and the following week he died.”
“I’ve never received a telegram,” Liz says.
“That’s on your wishlist?” says Nick Moore. “Receiving a telegram? Fuck off.”
“I’m just saying. I thought we were listing things we haven’t done.”
“Like a litany of everything?” Nick says. “We ain’t got that kind of time, Lizzie. We’re at war. Give us your top ten. Telegram is first, we got that. Then what?”
“I never had a standing ovation in a large theatre,” Mia says. “Sure, people clap in the Underground. I think sometimes they stand up because they’re stretching their legs. Also,” she adds, “I’d like to walk down the aisle. In a white dress.”
“Hey, why do you get two?” Liz says.
“We’re still waiting for what comes after the telegram, Lizzie,” Nick says.
“In a white dress, Folgate?” Duncan says. “Really?”
To which Julian says hey.
“We’re all friends here, Swedish,” Duncan says. “Mia’s not fooling anybody. She knows that God knows the truth no matter what color dress she puts on.”
To which Julian says HEY.
They laugh, they drink.
Frankie speaks! “I had a fellow propose to me once,” Frankie says. “He got me to put down my jigsaw and everything.”
They ooh and ahh.
“He seduced me,” she says, “by telling me we might die tomorrow. That was some powerful aphrodisiac. I fell for it.”
“I must try that,” Duncan mutters.
What happened to him?
“He died.”
“I’d like to have a baby someday,” Mia says.
“That’s number three for you,” Liz says. “Pipe down!”
“Liz, we’re still waiting,” Nick says. “Don’t be shy. Jump right in. Telegram and then what?”
Everyone knows what it is. Everyone knows how Liz feels about Wild.
“I can’t believe I envy my mum,” Mia says. “I’ve never envied her about anything. I thought I was so smart. And now look at me. I lie here in a stinking passageway in bitter envy because she got to be a mum and I haven’t.”
“There’s still time,” Frankie says. “It’s not too late.”
They drink.
“I’d like to have somebody look at me,” Liz says unbidden, “just once in my life, the way he looks at her every minute of every day.” She points at Julian. “Like she’s all he wants.”
Mia blushes. Julian looks away.
“Is that before or after you receive the telegram?” Nick asks. “What guy wouldn’t ogle you while you’re reading that. Telegrams are so sexy. Or is ‘telegram’ slang for something else, and I’m not aware?”
“Yes, it’s slang for you’re a wanker.”
“Fuck off,” says Nick.
“At my wedding, I want to use my own words for my vows,” Mia says.
Liz complains. “Why does she get five things, including Julian’s glad eye, and the rest of us get nothing?”
“No one recites their own vows,” Duncan says. “That’s idiotic. How would that even go?”
Inebriated and determined, the crew springs to drunken action. They have an idea for their next skit. They will stage a wedding! Julian will marry Mia. It’ll cheer up the glum folks.