drop my guard, the ice rises up quickly.” He grins. “But I don’t have to worry about that with you.”
My hand falls away from his chest as the hollow space in mine opens wide. “That’s convenient.” Suddenly my doubt bubbles up like Oskar’s magic, powerful and unstoppable. Did he kiss me because of who I am—or what I do for him?
His smile falters. “I didn’t mean . . .”
“It’s all right.” But my throat’s gone tight, and my eyes are stinging. I blow a shaky, slow breath from between my lips, hating that this doubt could eat my happiness so quickly. “I—I just never expected to kiss someone,” I babble. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Oskar gives me a strange look. “You never expected to kiss someone?”
I look away, panic wrenching itself loose inside me. Oskar’s going to think I’m insane. I remember the moments when I wondered how it might feel to be in someone’s arms, to know he wasn’t there because I had commanded him to stay, but because he wanted it as much as I did. Now Oskar’s right next to me, handsome and strong, actually asking if he can touch and kiss me . . . and all I can do is wonder if his affection is real, or whether he feels about me the way the people feel about the Valtia. Yes, they love her, but when her magic doesn’t serve them, how long does the adoration last?
I lean over and kiss Oskar’s rough cheek, which causes his brows to rise in pure puzzlement. “I’m sorry. I’m not good at this,” I whisper, blinking idiotic tears away. What in stars is wrong with me? “And I’ve got chores to do.” I scoot to the edge of the boulder and slide off.
Oskar’s feet hit the ground at the same time as mine. “Wait—Elli! Didn’t you want me to kiss you?” He sounds perplexed. And more than a little frustrated.
So am I. My mind is a mess of questions and fears and wants and wishes, and all I know is that I need to get away from him or I’m going to cry. I begin to walk, but I don’t make it more than a few steps before Oskar’s in front of me. “What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say honestly as I try to step around him. “It just happened so fast. I’m . . . I’m not sure I’m ready. . . .” I grimace, bowing my head to make sure he doesn’t see.
Oskar takes me by the shoulders. “If you’re not ready, I can accept that. But I’m having trouble believing that’s all that’s going on.” He pulls me closer, his gaze hard on mine. “Please. I’ve held myself back so many times. I’ve tried not to pry. But I can tell that there’s a war going on behind those eyes, and I’m desperate to understand it.”
“Oskar, if you’d never discovered what I can do, would we be standing here right now?”
He frowns. “How could I possibly know that?” He takes my face in his hands. “All I know is that a minute ago, I had you in my arms, and you kissed me back. It felt right.” He hesitates. “Didn’t it?”
It felt so right. But something inside me has gone all wrong. I want to tell him everything so he can help me figure it out, but Raimo’s warnings keep my secrets locked tight inside. As long as they’re there, I’ll never know the truth of Oskar’s feelings, because he’ll never know what I really am. I barely know what I really am. I lay my palms on his chest. “This isn’t fair to either of us right now. I—I think it would be better if we kept things as they were.”
What am I saying?
Oh, stars, why am I saying this?
Oskar’s gray eyes flicker with pain. “If that’s what you want.”
No. It’s not. In fact, I want him to argue. I want him to challenge me. I want him to say again that we’re right, that this is good, that he can’t let me go because his heart won’t allow it. I want him to fight.
But instead he lets me go and runs his hands over his hair. “I didn’t mean to push you.”
“I’ll still siphon your magic,” I say quickly, because he’s backing away from me, not meeting my eyes. “You can still—we can still touch at night. You don’t have to worry about that. Nothing has to change.”