“Sunny? Hey, Sunny.” Ethan shook my shoulder and my gaze went to him. “You good?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat and nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.”
Ethan studied me closely. His shrewd, intelligent green eyes took me in. He clocked my lie, but thankfully he didn’t call me on it. Maybe he was going to but Luke came up from behind me and pulled me into a hug.
This was not professional. This was something that would’ve made the old Sunny’s head pop off and spin around in circles after I kicked him in the balls for making me look like a weakling in front of my team. Luke’s Shiloh however welcomed the comfort.
“That was a good shot,” Luke murmured.
“Yeah.”
“I know she was in your head,” Luke continued.
He was talking about Penelope. And since he said he knew, I didn’t think he needed confirmation so I didn’t provide it. I just held on tight.
“You did good, baby. Kept your cool. I’m proud of you.”
Luke was saying all the right things but I hadn’t forgotten. Now that Jeff Shepard was neutralized, the situation was defused, and his daughter was safe, my head was filled with the memory of Luke running down the hall. Uncontrolled fear clear on his face. God, so much fear it hurt to look at him.
Stone cold fear.
Then on the drive over I heard it. I felt it down to my bones. Every word he spoke had been angry, full of agony, and possibly regret.
That was when the worry set in.
The fear that my job was too much. Too dangerous.
I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that Luke was going to leave.
And for the first time, I understood the true meaning of love. Real, true, deep love. I didn’t ever want Luke to be afraid. Not ever. I loved him enough to let him go. I loved him enough to let him walk away and find someone who he’d never have to worry about. A woman who didn’t leave their bed in the middle of the night. A woman who didn’t have to promise she’d come home safe.
A woman who was not me.
That sickness in my belly roiled and turned to acid. My heart shattered into a million shards—razor-sharp pieces that pierced my soul.
Everyone always left.
27
Longest twenty-four hours of my life.
By the time Shiloh and I hit my house the sun was coming up.
She didn’t protest when I took her into the bathroom and undressed her. She didn’t make a peep when I pulled her into the shower and washed her. She was silent when I dried her off, helped her into one of my shirts, then got her into bed.
It wasn’t until she was curled into my side and I was drifting off to sleep that her tired, dull voice broke the quiet. Her dead tone worried me. I’d never heard her sound so sullen. But I brushed it aside, chalking it up to Valentine being in critical care after he made it through surgery. Her reliving a situation that was eerily similar to the one that haunted her. I didn’t need her to tell me she was thinking about Penelope and Clive while she faced down Stephanie and Jeff.
That was a mistake. I should’ve called her out on her tone. I should’ve asked what was in her head. Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t understand how huge of a fuck-up it was. Like most lessons, I didn’t know the true meaning until after I failed the test.
So, in the dark quiet of my bedroom when she finally spoke I didn’t listen to my instincts. I just answered her question.
“Tell me about your tattoo. Why an eagle?”
Lifeless. Shallow. Sad.
Fuck, it hurt just listening to her broken voice.
I curled her closer and when I did she tucked her head under my chin.
“I was in Montana training and when we were done some of the guys decided to head to Yellowstone. We were on a day hike and caught sight of a wolf pack. Didn’t see how it happened but one of the wolves had an eagle. We could hear it screeching, see it thrashing, but the bird was good as dead. I stood there watching thinking about how that wolf happened on an eagle. How the circle of life is a miraculous thing. Then all of a sudden there’s this eagle flying, circling, getting lower and lower with every pass. I could not believe it when that