anyone caring about me because that will lead to fucked-up conversations like this and make me feel like shit because I’m incapable of a normal relationship? Admit that I’ve hidden behind my brothers my whole damn life and used them as a buffer to keep people away? Confess my deep, dark secrets and tell you there are times when I cannot breathe, when I think of all the ways I’ve disappointed myself. Jesus, Gordy, just tell me what you want so I can go the fuck home.”
“Yeah, sweetheart, all of that. That’s what I wanted to hear,” Gordy whispered, and I went stone cold.
What had I done?
This was all Luke’s fault.
He was pushing this friendship shit on me, doing it nice and slow. Sneaking shit in and giving it in small doses until he’d done it—he ruined me. Now I was blurting shit out not realizing what I was saying until it was too late.
I was done with this.
All of it.
I turned to leave but Gordy was faster and blocked my car door.
Bastard.
“Move.”
“You know if your fucktard of a father wasn’t locked up, I’d kill him with my bare hands. And I’ve thought myself a man who couldn’t harm a woman, but I’d slap the shit outta that mother of yours and not feel a moment of regret. What those two fucking idiots taught you was a lesson. But instead of you learning the real meaning, you’ve twisted it in your head. Yes, people leave. But, Shiloh, those who are worth your time do not. Those who truly love you never leave.
“I’m sorry to say this because it’s the worst thing a person can know but your father is fucked. He is incapable of loving anyone. And that mother of yours didn’t love you. If she had, sweetheart, she would’ve held on to you and your brothers and got you clear of your father. She didn’t and that’s on her. Her, Shiloh. She’s the one with the problem, not you. You need to open your damn eyes and learn a new lesson—you are not them.”
My eyes drifted closed. I couldn’t bear to look at Gordy. I couldn’t bear the fury, the anger, the sadness, the grief. He was feeling all of that for me.
He wasn’t supposed to feel anything for me.
I wasn’t supposed to feel anything for anyone.
Fucking Luke. He did something to me. He cursed me. He made me feel things I swore I’d never allowed myself to feel. Even how standing here hollowed me out and I wanted to run home to him so he could fill me up. He’d take this pain away; I knew he would. But at what cost? He’d make me open up more. He’d make me talk about why I was upset. He’d break down more walls and steal the last of my strength.
Panic was nearing the red zone. I itched to crawl out of my skin.
“What’s wrong with me?” I wheezed. “Why didn’t they love me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Sunny. And you’re asking the wrong question, sweetheart. What you should be asking is: why didn’t they love themselves? What was broken in them? Darlin’, hear this; you cannot love anyone, not even your children, if you don’t first love yourself. They had nothing to give you or your brothers because they were empty.”
“He loved Phoenix. He took him everywhere.”
“No, Sunny, he used Phoenix as a weapon to hurt you, Echo, and River. That piece of shit used his boy and is still using him.”
God, that was the truth. The disgusting truth.
When I was little, I used to be jealous that my dad loved my brother but not me. Then I was angry because Phoenix would defend Dad. The cops would show up to question Lester and Phoenix would get mad and say the cops were out to get Lester. Phoenix never believed that our dad was filth until he killed Officer Smith. Then Phoenix was crushed.
You did not do that to someone you loved. You didn’t lie and use them. I didn’t know a lot about love, but I knew that much.
I knew you didn’t steal, cheat, abuse, and kill people.
What the hell was wrong with my father?
“When my mom left it hurt. She wasn’t much but she was a body in the house. She was there when we got home from school. Then she wasn’t and as useless as she was it sucked. And Lester’s scum, total filth, so it wasn’t much of a loss when he went to prison,