back to the library to get Christopher his two practice books for the weekend and a couple of videos for their night. Why do people pay for things that are free? They went to China Gate like the sheriff said since cops know food better than anyone, and she gasped when she saw the prices, but tried her best to hide her expression from him. Then, she smiled. She said she had a little left on the Visa that Jerry didn’t know about, and in a week, she’d have a paycheck. And as they drove back to the motel, with the smell of Egg Rolls and Orange Chicken and Christopher’s favorite Lo Mein (Chinese Spaghetti you like! said the menu), they planned what they would do with the lottery money like they did every Friday before they lost.
Christopher said he would buy her a house. He even made blueprint plans with graph paper. Christopher had video games and a candy room. A basketball court and a petting zoo off the kitchen. All painstakingly planned. But the best room was his mom’s. It was the biggest one in the house. It had a balcony with a diving board that went to her own private pool. And it had the biggest closet with the nicest clothes that weren’t ripped under the arm.
“What would you do with the money, Mom?” he asked.
“I’d get you a tutor and all the books in the world.”
“Mine is better,” he said.
When they got home, the mini fridge in the motel room wasn’t working too well, so her beer was not getting cold in time for their feast. So, as she watched the lottery on the little television, Christopher went to the ice maker down the hall. And Christopher did the thing he learned from the old movies they watched. He got some ice and poured her beer over it to make it cold for her.
“Here, Mom. On the rocks.”
He didn’t know why she laughed so hard, but he was glad to see her so happy.
*
Christopher’s mother sipped her beer on the rocks, and made yum yum sounds until her son beamed with pride for his clever—if somewhat misguided—solution to her warm beer problem. After her lottery numbers came up short…AGAIN…she tore up the lottery ticket and put a DVD in the old player she got at a garage sale back in Michigan. The first movie started. It was an old musical she loved as a kid. One of her few good memories. Now one of his. When their feast was done, and the Von Trapps were safely in Switzerland, they opened their fortune cookies.
“What’s yours say, Mom?” he asked.
“You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on.”
…in bed, she thought and did not say.
“What about yours, buddy?” she asked.
“Mine is blank.”
She looked. His fortune was indeed blank except for a series of numbers. He looked so disappointed. The cookies were bad enough. But no fortune?
“This is actually good luck,” she said.
“Really?”
“No fortune is the best fortune. Now you get to make up your own. Wanna trade?”
He thought about it long and hard and said, “No.”
With negotiations over, it was time for the second movie. Before the film had finished, and the good guys had won the war, Christopher had fallen asleep on her lap. She sat there for a long time, looking down at him sleeping. She thought back to the Friday Night Movies when they watched Dracula, and he pretended he wasn’t scared even though he would only wear turtleneck sweaters for a month.
There is a moment childhood ends, she thought. And she wanted his moment to happen a long time from now. She wanted her son to be smart enough to get out of this nightmare, but not smart enough to know that he was actually inside one.
She picked up her sleeping boy and took him to his sleeping bag. She kissed his forehead and instinctively checked to make sure he didn’t have a fever. Then, she went back to the kitchenette. And when she finished her beer on the rocks, she made another just like it. Because she realized she was going to remember this night.
The night she stopped running.
It had been four years.
Four years since she found her husband dead in a bathtub with a lot of blood and no note. Four years of grief and rage and behavior that felt out of body. But enough was enough. Stop running. Stop smoking. Stop killing yourself. Your kid deserves better. So do