Luckily, they were right next to a Sunoco station. The station attendant told them that most of his guys were out with the flu and the station had been picked clean of parts. But if they gave him a couple of hours, he could get his cousin to bring them used tires (for a small fee). So, he told the family to just grab some lunch and relax. Luckily, the Sunoco station was right next to a restaurant.
Chuck E. Cheese’s
Eddie, bring your backpack. You’re going to get prizes.
When the family entered Chuck E. Cheese’s, Special Ed was so happy. The place was almost empty because today was Christmas Eve, but there was one birthday party in the corner. For identical twins. Special Ed’s mother and father gave him a twenty-dollar game card, then ordered a pizza and a pitcher of beer. Special Ed wandered through the games and robots, looking over his shoulder. Wondering why he was brought here.
“Eddie,” the voice whispered. “Eddie, psst. It’s Grandma.”
Special Ed turned around and saw a robot of Bad Cat, smiling at him.
“Grandma?” he said.
“Yes, Eddie. Listen to me very carefully,” Bad Cat whispered. “Something very bad just parked in the parking lot. I want you to be ready, okay?”
Special Ed nodded and turned his gaze to the front of the restaurant. The door opened and a fat man walked into Chuck E. Cheese’s dressed as a birthday-party clown.
“Stay away from him, Eddie. His wife just left him. Listen to Grandma.”
Special Ed watched the fat clown walk over to the birthday party.
“HI, KIDS!” the clown yelled out.
“HI, UNCLE HAPPY!” the kids yelled back.
The fat clown pulled out a balloon.
“WHO WANTS TO HELP UNCLE HAPPY MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS?!”
“ME ME ME!” the kids said.
The clown huffed and puffed and blew into long, stretchy balloons. He blew up one. And another. And another. Then, he twisted and turned all three balloons like femur bones until he made a beautiful animal shape.
“WHAT IS THIS, KIDS? WHAT DID UNCLE HAPPY MAKE?”
“IT’S A DEER! IT’S A DEER!” they shrieked in delight.
The clown pulled out a toy gun. He pointed it at the deer.
“THAT’S RIGHT, KIDS! AND IT’S TIME TO GO DEER HUNTING!”
He squeezed the trigger, and a long red banner shot out that read BANG! The banner hit the deer, and the balloons popped. The kids laughed and screamed.
“WANT TO MAKE ANOTHER ONE, KIDS?!” the clown yelled.
“YAY!” the kids screamed.
“Okay! But I need your help this time. This is a really hard one.”
“I want to run away,” Special Ed said.
“You can’t, Eddie. There’s a reason you’re here.”
Special Ed watched as the fat clown grabbed a handful of balloons and handed them out to the kids. The kids huffed and puffed like the Big Bad Wolf, blowing up the balloons.
“OKAY, KIDS! GIVE THE BALLOONS BACK TO UNCLE HAPPY!”
“Eddie,” Bad Cat whispered. “Hide behind the pillar. Do it now.”
Special Ed did as he was told. He was frozen in fear as he watched the kids scramble to hand back the balloons.
“GREAT JOB, MY LITTLE HELPERS! NOW, LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN MAKE WHEN WE WORK AS A TEAM!”
Uncle Happy began to twist and turn the balloons, scraping and squeaking on each other like nails on a chalkboard. He ripped those balloons into a twisted shape and held it up like a head on a pike.
“WHAT IS IT, BOYS AND GIRLS?!”
“IT’S A CLOWN!” they all yelled.
“THAT’S RIGHT. WE MADE A CLOWN! AND NOW IT’S TIME TO GO CLOWN HUNTING!” the clown yelled out.
The fat clown reached into his bag and pulled out a different gun.
He put the gun against the balloon clown’s temple.
The kids stopped laughing.
“THIS CLOWN JUST LOST EVERYTHING, BOYS AND GIRLS!”
Special Ed looked at Bad Cat. The robot said nothing. He just smiled the sickest frown upside down.
“THIS CLOWN FUCKED UP EVERYTHING HE EVER TRIED TO DO, KIDS! SO, AUNT HAPPY RAN AWAY FROM UNCLE HAPPY! AND NOW UNCLE HAPPY ISN’T HAPPY ANYMORE!”
The clown moved the gun from the balloon swiftly to his own temple.
“SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE PUT THIS CLOWN OUT OF HIS MISERY?!”
The parents were barely able to react in time. The bullet exploded in the gun and struck the clown’s temple. The kids screamed and turned away as the clown fell in a heap on the floor. Uncle Happy’s bag landed right at Special Ed’s feet.
It was filled with balloons.
And bullets.
“Eddie, you have to do it now. No one is watching,” Bad Cat whispered.
Special Ed instinctively bent over and grabbed as many boxes of bullets as