for him again, this time grabbing his hand. “Don’t do this,” I whispered, unable to speak loudly. My voice was fragile, my throat tender.
“I’m not doing anything. It’s you.” With a firm grip, he pushed away my hands.
My knees buckled until my ass hit the floor. I scooted against the couch, tucked my legs in, and rocked. He knelt beside me. We stared at each other, his eyes wet but resolved. He wasn’t changing his mind. This was it. I knew it.
They all leave.
“Three days,” he repeated. His voice was not unkind but matter-of-fact. He stood and left the room. The stairs creaked under his weight.
A tear escaped. Tears were okay if no one saw them. I licked my lips, tasting the salt, remembering the last time I’d tasted them.
Twenty-two years ago.
Daddy was leaving, this time for good. Ma followed him, wringing her hands and pleading with him to stay. “What about us?” she’d asked him for the umpteenth time.
“I told you, Vanessa. It’s over.” The finality of his tone seemed to push Ma over the edge. Slumping on the floor, she gripped her thin cotton dress and wailed. Daddy looked over her, scanned the house, and then walked out the door. I jumped from my hiding place and rushed outside. Daddy loved me. He wouldn’t leave me with Ma. She was too timid, too weak, always begging. Daddy said he and I were two of a kind. I was his special girl.
“Daddy!” I yanked the door and tackled him from behind, wrapping my arms around his waist.
Suitcase in hand, he continued to walk, the tips of my Keds dragging along the pavement. “Stop it, Rae.”
He never called me just Rae. I was always his Rae of sunshine. The good-luck charm he hugged when he returned from his casino trips and needed a spot of luck.
“C’mon, baby. Stop this.” He finally reached his Caddy. Unwrapping my arms from around him, he hustled to the trunk and threw in his suitcase.
I folded my arms across my chest. Despite the beautiful sunny day, goose bumps formed along my arms. I tilted my head back, staring at the sun, waiting for him to stop me. Daddy always joked that I’d go blind. Waves of heat attacked my vision, forcing me to blink away the moisture that had formed.
He sighed, snagging my attention and giving me much-needed relief from the sun. He leaned against the car and opened his arms. I ran into them, breathing his scent in deeply. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me, Daddy,” I whispered fiercely against his stomach.
He pushed me back. A grin broke across his handsome face. “Guess what?”
“What?” I smiled back, wiping away the tears that had trickled down my cheeks.
“You’re gonna have a little brother.” He tapped my nose. “Like you’ve been asking for every Christmas.”
“A little brother?” I clapped my hands together. I didn’t understand why Ma was so upset.
“Ma never said—”
“It’s not with your mama.” The smile dropped from his face. He shifted his weight and knocked his knuckles against the roof of the car. “I . . . I’ve got a new woman. Her name is Denise. You’ll like her. She’s a real sweet woman.”
I folded my arms again. “O-okay. Is my little brother going to live with us?”
“No, baby. But you can come visit. Real soon. We just gotta get Junior’s room together.” Daddy’s voice was weird. The same weird that made my stomach feel funny when he smelled like rubbing alcohol and yelled at Ma to give him more money. Then he’d calm down, get on his knees and beg and plead until she gave in. After that, we wouldn’t see him for a few weeks.
What about us? Ma’s voice echoed in my mind. I took a step back and shook my head. “You hurt Ma. Y-you’re leaving us.”
Daddy didn’t answer. Just walked to the driver’s side of the car. The window on the passenger’s side was rolled down. I stared at him. We stared at each other until he looked away.
The engine vrooming, his car jerked forward and then sped from the curb. I returned to the house, slumped on the floor next to Ma. She was hiccupping now, no more tears, but her lower lip trembled. Twin black mascara lines streaked her cheeks. Cedar and cinnamon and allspice filled my senses. Ma’s prized potpourri basket, something she’d made herself, was toppled on the floor.
Eyes focused on the ground, I plucked at the dark and hardened stain on the sticky, brown