If I Could - B. Celeste Page 0,76
only messed around with two people in my life. Adam and Sophia.” His eyes widen a fraction in interest. “Adam was my first crush, and Sophia helped me get his attention before she got weird about everything. And the only time I ever did anything with him was at a frat party Sophia dragged me to. He and I stumbled up to his bedroom, locked the door, and…well, it’s not really worth going into detail over. Let’s just say I’ve done more with you than I did with him, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. He sort of…” God, the sting shouldn’t still be here all these years later, but the rejection that sent me walking away embarrassed still gets to me.
“He was a player. I always knew it, but I still liked him. Still wanted him. When he seemed interested that night, I couldn’t believe it. He acted sweet at first, telling me he always had a thing for me when we were in high school, but he wasn’t sure about what I wanted, and when I admitted he would be the first guy I ever did anything with, he got…I don’t know, cocky?”
The look of understanding on Lawrence’s face tells me he knows the type well.
“After he got what he wanted, he pretty much brushed me off. His exact words after he zipped his pants were ‘thanks for coming to the party’ like he didn’t care that he was my first kiss, or that something huge happened. Up until that night, I was considering coming out to my family. I always…knew who I was, and who I liked. When guys talked about girls’ asses and boobs at school, I was too busy thinking about their asses and—” Realizing I’m still in public, I try keeping it PG. “Well, you know. And when I watched, uh, videos after hearing about some of my classmates watching them, it wasn’t the ‘traditional’ kind that got a reaction out of me.
“Point is, I knew. Sophia knew. My parents pretty much knew even if they never pushed me to admit it. But that night, when I did the walk of shame out of the frat house, I felt…he made me feel like…” Words escape me in the moment, because what I feel over that night is too much, even now.
“He made you feel ashamed,” Ren murmurs, a mixture of anger and sadness weighing his words down.
“Sophia told me that maybe it was a sign, and that’s where things really shifted with us. I think, looking back at it now, she thought that experience would change how I felt, and in a lot of ways it did. I was afraid to…be with the people I wanted to be with, or even look at a guy a certain way like I was doing something wrong. I’ve always been a big believer of signs. Adam’s embarrassing rejection, Sophia’s manipulation, Brea being born, it all felt like it was pulling me in the direction I always thought I should go. The wife, kids, and everything in between. I’m not a religious person, but it felt like…”
“Like fate was telling you to be somebody else,” he finishes for me.
My shoulders lift limply, my hand curving around the back of my neck. “I sucked the fun out of the date, huh?”
He shakes his head slowly. “We’re doing exactly what we’re supposed to. Getting to know each other. That’s more than surface-level things like our favorite bands and pastimes. Knowing that To Kill a Mockingbird is your favorite book is nothing in comparison to knowing that your heart was misplaced by people who should have been looking out for it a long time ago. And it helps me understand better how I can be there for you if you’d let me. I promise, I’m not Adam or Sophia.”
A small puff of air escapes my lips as I slide my hand over the soft cotton to his, my pinky gently curving around his own like he’s done with me. The tentative touch is so much more than a comforting hand, it’s everything. “You don’t need to remind me that you’re not them,” I tell him quietly, staring at where our fingers are linked on the tabletop, for anybody to see if they paid enough attention. “I’m terrified, Ren, because the crush I had on Adam is nothing like the one I have on you. It’s so far beyond that I can’t think straight, see straight, do anything without you