my heart pump with outrage. Not rushing things is not the same as sleeping with two other women on the side. It is not.
When I think how I believed his version of everything, how I rationalized everything he said and did, I feel warm with stupidity. But he was so convincing.
Wasn’t he?
Or maybe I just wanted to believe him, a little voice says in my head. Maybe I ignored what I didn’t want to see. Painful realizations are filling my head, one after another, till I close my eyes to escape them. I can’t think about all my mistakes now. It is what it is.
The party is pretty much over as I burst back into the shop. None of the staff are left, nor Hannah. Leila is sitting on a chair, scrolling through her phone, and Jake is talking to some jowly guy in a pink shirt, but I can’t see Ryan anywhere.
“Oh, Fixie,” says Leila, looking up. “There you are.”
“Where’s Ryan?” I demand, and Leila opens her eyes wide in astonishment.
“Didn’t he tell you? Hasn’t he texted? He’s gone.”
“Gone where?”
“He went to catch a train. He’s staying with his cousin in…Leicester?” She crinkles her brow. “Something like that. The Midlands, anyway. He says there are more opportunities for him outside London.”
“The Midlands?” I stare at her. This makes no sense. He can’t have just left.
“I said to him, ‘What about Fixie?’ but he said you’d understand and you’d talked about it and everything.” Leila looks innocently at me. “He said you’d be OK.”
We’d talked about it? That’s what he said? But that’s—
And suddenly I can’t believe I’ve fallen for anything Ryan’s said, ever. He’s just a lie machine. That’s what he is, and it’s taken me this long to work it out.
“He was in a real mood,” adds Leila regretfully. “He kept saying there was nothing for him in London anymore. He was telling us all about losing his job. You know, that Seb guy sounds awful.” She surveys me with her doe-like mascaraed eyes. “You’ve met him, haven’t you?”
I stare at her, barely hearing the question. I’m still a bit dazed. Ryan has lied about everything and now he’s gone and I don’t even get to have it out with him. My pent-up rage and humiliation have nowhere to go except right back into my heart.
“What’s he like?” Leila persists, and I blink at her, coming to. “Is he as bad as Ryan says? Because he sounds like a monster!”
I flash back to Seb in his office. Gazing at me with those troubled eyes, understanding everything. His tactful words. His hair askew. His remorse at having upset me. Trying to cheer me up. Telling me we’re even.
I’m suddenly gripped by a wish. I wish…I wish…
But I can’t finish the thought. I don’t quite know what I wish. Just that things weren’t like this.
“Seb?” I say at last, and exhale long and hard. “He’s not that bad. No. He’s…he’s not that bad.”
Thirteen
Two weeks later Mum is in St. Tropez with Aunty Karen. She keeps sending me long texts about the marina and the boats and the sunshine, and I know I should send her a proper reply—but I can’t face it. Once I start typing to Mum, everything will pour out, and I’ll start sniveling all over my keyboard.
So instead I’m zapping her lots of smiley faces and emojis of shiny suns and sailboats and dodging the truth altogether. (Maybe that’s what emojis were invented for in the first place, and I’ve just been using them wrong. They’re not there to convey thoughts in a fun way; they’re there to lie to your mum.)
I’ve also sent three texts to Ryan. One very dignified and calm. One a tad less dignified and less calm. One totally desperate and shameless, trying to give him an opportunity to prove he isn’t as bad as I think.
Then I made the even bigger mistake of showing my texts to Hannah and she recoiled in horror. She threatened to come and confiscate my phone at night when I was asleep. She said she had a spare key and she’d creep through the house if need be. And I thought, Actually, she might. So I stopped.
And Ryan never replied to any of them. Nor left me a voicemail or an email, nor any messages at the shop. Nor a letter. (I mean, clearly he wasn’t going to write me a letter; I don’t know why I asked the postman if he’d dropped any