I talk about how I feel today. The guilt. The inadequacy. My faltering voice. The ravens that flap about my face.
Seb listens silently. Occasionally his face flinches, but he doesn’t interrupt.
“I have thoughts,” I conclude despairingly. “I have arguments. I can see them there, as if they’re in a thought bubble. But I can’t get them out of the thought bubble and into the air.”
Seb’s eyebrows are knitted together in a thoughtful frown. Then he looks directly at me and says, “You’re being too gentle. You need to punch through the bubble. Are you angry with your brother?”
“I am,” I say after a pause. “But I feel guilty too. I mean, he can be nice when he wants to be—”
“That wasn’t the question,” says Seb, cutting me off. “Are you angry with him?”
“Yes,” I admit. “Yes, I am. I’m angry.”
“Well, use that anger.” He leans forward, his face animated. “Feel it. Punch your way out of the bubble like a…a ninja.”
“A ninja?” I can’t help laughing.
“Yes! You have the words, you have the ideas; I know you do. You’re bright and dynamic and basically the best person I know, and to be honest the idea that some brother of yours is making you feel the way you do makes me feel pretty livid myself. I’ve only met the guy briefly, but…”
Seb smiles, but his jaw is tight and his hand has clenched hard around his panini.
“OK, I’ll be a ninja.” I stir my coffee round, gazing into the whirlpool, trying to find some strength. “I get so nervous, though. How do you do it?”
“How do I do what?” Seb seems surprised.
“You speak up at shareholders’ meetings and people shout at you and you don’t seem to care.”
“I guess I think about why I’m speaking,” says Seb thoughtfully. “Who I’m speaking for. Who I represent. I’m speaking for people who don’t have a voice, and that inspires me. That powers me along.”
He bites into his panini, then nods at me. “Eat,” he says. “Ninjas need strength.”
I take a bite of my panini, and as I’m chewing, I feel a backbone growing inside me. I’m going to speak up for Mum. She’s the one I represent. She’s the one who doesn’t have a voice right now. And that’s going to power me along.
For the rest of the lunch, we talk about general stuff, but as we’re saying goodbye, Seb holds me by both arms and looks directly into my face.
“Ninja Fixie,” he says. “You can do it.”
He kisses me and walks away, his breath a trail of steam in the winter’s air, and I tell myself firmly, I can do this, I can do this. I can.
* * *
—
All afternoon, my jaw is firm. My mind is set. I’m going to do it. I’m going to have my say.
I stay late, wandering around the displays when everyone else has gone, remembering how I used to come to Farrs when I was a little girl and it seemed enormous. I remember hiding in cardboard boxes in the back room, and Dad “finding” me. I remember trips to the storage facility being the most exciting thing in the world. I remember breaking a plate when I was seven and being terrified and trying to mend it with Sellotape—until Mum found me, crouched behind a display, and scooped me in for a hug.
This place is my life.
There’s a sound at the door and I look up in surprise to see Bob coming in, wrapped up against the cold in his usual beige anorak, plus a scarf and woolly hat.
“Fixie!” he says. “I hoped you’d still be around. I left my pullover here yesterday.” He clicks his tongue in mild self-reproach. “I’m seeing my sister tonight, and she gave it to me for my birthday, so I want to wear it, of course. We always give each other M&S pullovers,” he adds. “You can’t go wrong, can you?”
“No,” I agree. “You can’t go wrong.”
I wait for him to pop into the back room and retrieve the pullover. Then, as he’s walking toward me, I say impulsively, “Bob, are we OK?”
“OK?” Bob instinctively glances around, as though I meant, “Bob, are we facing imminent attack?”
“OK,” I repeat. “Financially. I know you send me figures all the time, but I don’t always…I mean, recently…” I stop feebly, not wanting to admit the truth, which is: “I’ve been too wrapped up in my new love affair to look at any figures.”