But I Need You - W. Winters Page 0,6

will sound and Cody will know instantly too.

I’m not blind to the fact that he’s circled the building multiple times. In fact, it warms something inside of me.

If anyone had told me years ago that he would look out for me like he has, I’d have told them to fuck off and stop filling my brain with white knight fantasies.

I didn’t get to where I am in life by relying on anyone else. Taking another sip of my water, I lean against the farmhouse sink.

This morning, naked in Cody’s bed, I came to a simple conclusion. I want to be in my own home and alone. No security detail, no prince in shining armor with a sad backstory. No nothing. I need to be on my own. How am I going to get better if I rely on Cody? I can’t and I won’t. Given this past weekend, I’ve obviously lost it.

Half a day on my own has already been good for me and clearing my head. The first half was spent arguing with Cody … again. The water rushes out of the faucet and I fill my glass before heading back to my mostly cleaned bedroom.

I spent the rest of the day unpacking and cleaning up the piles of paperwork, all while talking to my sister. We spent nearly three hours on the phone. First, I let her unload and then I did some unloading of my own, keeping out some small details. Like every piece about Marcus. Somehow, he’s become my secret and I don’t know what will happen if I tell anyone. Really I’m afraid of what will happen if I tell. I’ll lose him and quite possibly ostracize myself, lose my job … forfeit my sanity. No one knows I kissed him, and I’d like to keep it that way.

My phone buzzes on my nightstand, so I trade it for the glass of water and plop down cross-legged on the bed.

Mom is doing better.

I answer my sister quickly enough to hopefully put her anxious mind at ease: Good. I knew she would.

I’m still worried. Something’s just not right.

I hesitate, not knowing what to tell Cadence until I settle on: You’re a worrier. Mom is fine and she knows she can come to us if she needs anything.

My fingers reach up to the collar of my throat, to that dip where a thin chain would rest if I was wearing a necklace. It’s a nervous habit, but instead of touching metal it’s only skin brushing against skin as I assure myself, yes, she would. Mom would tell us if she needed us. She’d tell us if anything was wrong.

My message to my sister goes unanswered even though I’m aware she’s read it and so I start to doubt myself. Without waiting any longer for her to reply, I promise her I’ll be home this weekend and we can have a girls’ night. Just the three of us.

Her joke about me having time off over a reporter and bad press makes me roll my eyes, but more than that, I’m grateful for the distraction. I shake my head at the thought that all that’s wrong right now in my life is just bad press. What a pretty little lie.

The truth will come out and you’ll be back to your workaholic self. It’s the last text she sends before I plug in my cell and decide I really need to sleep. I’ve barely slept to the point where now my eyes are raw and dry. I got in a half hour catnap earlier but woke up with my heart beating out of my chest. If I can sleep tonight without waking up in a panic, I’ll count it as a win.

No sleeping pills, though; I want to stay alert. No, I think as I sigh heavily, I need to stay alert.

The moment I lay down, a satin wrap around my hair and the blanket tucked all the way up to my chin, my phone pings but it’s not my sister like I expect.

I’m only a phone call away. Cody’s message elicits a guilt that barricades my throat. I have to swallow it down before telling him I know and I’m here if he needs anything.

I add in a thank you, although it doesn’t offer me any peace. I shouldn’t be thanking him for my independence.

It’s not like we’re more than fuck buddies and I almost tell him that, but my wretched heart hurts daring to think the words, let