face in her hands and rubbed her fingers against her temples as she felt the last of Robert’s goodwill get its coat.
‘I don’t drink at work,’ she mumbled.
‘I think you should take some time off,’ Robert said by way of reply.
Her hands dropped to her lap and her head snapped up in shock. ‘Is that a joke? If I leave now, I just look guilty. I’m not taking any time off.’
‘It doesn’t make you look guilty; it makes you look like you’re taking the allegations seriously.’
‘Well I’m not taking them seriously. And frankly I’m furious that you are. They are completely unfounded and you know it! If there had been any proof whatsoever that I’d been sending inappropriate messages to patients, or drinking at work for that matter, I’d have been suspended the minute I walked in. The fact that it’s even got to go in front of the board means you don’t have enough to make the decision yourself. I’m not going anywhere, Robert.’
He sighed. ‘I had a feeling you’d say that. You’re right, there’s no real proof, thank God. I’ve seen the text messages and they haven’t come from any number we have on file for you. Despite how pissed off at me you are right now, Karen, I’m your friend and I don’t want this to get as far as suspension. But these things have to be investigated and I’d rather you weren’t here while that happened. What I want you to do is take some time off; you and Michael go on holiday or something, get yourself back on track.’
She finally found her feet. ‘We can’t just run off on holiday, life isn’t that simple for everyone. And anyway, I haven’t come off track. I’m not taking time off; you’ll have to suspend me.’ She picked up her bag and moved towards the door, her stride more confident than she felt. Only the thudding of her heart against her ribcage gave any indication of the panic rushing through her. She couldn’t lose her job, it meant everything to her. Without it she didn’t even know who she was.
‘At least take the rest of the day,’ Robert called after her hopefully. She was on the cusp of saying no when she caught sight of herself in the black glass-panelled door. Her complexion was paper white against the darkness of the backdrop, only the dark purple half-moon shapes under her eyes adding any colour. Her hair, usually straight and shiny, had fallen into the natural kinks it got from being slept on wet, and there was a white stain on her left breast – toothpaste. At least she’d remembered to brush her teeth this morning. The pulsing that had been strumming a rhythm in the base of her skull since she’d woken had risen now to a concerto.
‘Yes, okay, fine.’
‘What? Fine what?’ His voice was laden with suspicion.
‘I’ll take the rest of the day off. Maybe tomorrow, too. I’ll come back after the weekend, unless you and the other partners feel you have enough evidence of wrongdoing to formally suspend me. What action will you take with the board?’
He gestured to the papers on his desk, and she realised with a jolt that the file outlining the complaint was in front of him. ‘I’ll have to show them the evidence I’ve been presented with, but I suspect it will be an informal meeting rather than a hearing. We probably won’t even need you involved.’ Robert’s voice had relaxed a little; maybe all he’d wanted was for her to realise the seriousness of her situation. Maybe if she’d gone away, taken a break like he’d told her, things would have turned out differently. There was no way of knowing that now.
58
It was either falling into place or falling apart and I had no idea which. There had been times over the last few weeks when I’d felt like I’d gone too far – I’m not evil, you need to know that, I just wanted to make them see. I’d thought a lot about that concept of good and evil – what made me any better than her? The things I’d done, I had good reasons, but in the end didn’t everyone say that? The prison system is full of ‘innocent’ men. In the moments that I stopped and looked into the distance, I would become terrified of where it would all end, debilitated by the fear of what I was becoming. I could have stopped it at any moment.