I Know Your Secret - Ruth Heald Page 0,58

to face the past before you’re ready for a child.’

Thirty-Five

Beth

I pull myself out from under the bed, heart thudding, and stare at the pill bottle in my hand. It’s definitely mine. My name’s printed on the front. There are no tablets left in the bottle. I try and recall how many were left yesterday. I have no idea. My brain feels fuzzy.

Has Charlie taken them? My heart pounds even faster. What if that’s why he’s exhausted and ill? What have I done?

‘Charlie!’ I shake him awake and he looks at me woozily. ‘Charlie, did you get my pills out of the bathroom? Have you eaten any?’

He lifts his head slightly and stares at me groggily, then flops his head back down on the pillow.

‘Charlie – answer me! Have you had any of these pills?’

He shakes his head no, then falls back to sleep.

I pace back and forth. He’s been ill all day. Tired and sleepy. What if he took them in the morning? It could be poisoning.

I pick up the phone and ring the NHS helpline, my palms sweating as I dial. Guilt burns inside me as I explain that he might have taken my antidepressants and I don’t know how many. They say they’re sending an ambulance and my heart pounds, every inch of my body trembling with dread. This is all my fault.

I look down at Charlie, who’s barely moving. I don’t know if it’s because he’s tired or something far more serious, but I feel instinctively that I should try and keep him awake. I wrap his tiny body in my arms, repeating to him over and over again that everything will be fine.

Half an hour later the ambulance still hasn’t arrived. I can’t control my panic now. What if he’s taken the whole bottle of pills? The drugs are strong. An overdose could easily kill an adult. I can’t wait any longer. Charlie needs to be in the hospital. I’d drive him myself, but I can’t. I’ve had too much to drink.

I phone Richard.

‘How could you let that happen?’ he shouts. I feel like curling up into a ball as his words cut into me.

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘There’s no time to argue. I’m coming over.’

He hangs up the phone and within fifteen minutes he’s driving us to the hospital.

We sit on hard plastic chairs in A&E, a sleepy Charlie between us. We’ve both asked him several times if he’s taken the pills but he says he hasn’t. He seems a bit better now, leaning against me and insisting on playing games on my phone. I run my hand through his hair. I’m so lucky to have him. How could I have let him down so badly? I feel sick with nerves.

We’re soon triaged by the nurse, but then we’re left waiting. A couple of hours pass by hazily. We must be low priority, which relieves me. My palms are sweating, but I can breathe properly now, and I know that things are likely to turn out alright. Richard waits for Charlie to fall asleep curled up against him, before he starts to question me.

‘How on earth did this happen?’ Richard whispers to me, over Charlie’s head. I feel myself shrink into the chair as he glares at me. I feel so guilty, because I can’t answer the simple question. I just don’t know how it happened. I must be an awful mother. Surely any mum should be able to stop her son getting hold of her medicine. Any mum except me.

‘I – I have no idea how it happened. The pills were in the bathroom cabinet where they’ve always been. He must have used his step to get them.’

‘I thought he couldn’t reach.’

‘So did I.’

‘Are you sure you didn’t leave them out?’

‘I’m positive. I always put them back.’

‘But you’ve been drinking. You could have forgotten.’

Could I have forgotten? Could I have left them out somewhere where Charlie had found them?

‘I don’t think so.’

‘You shouldn’t be drinking on those pills anyway.’

‘You always said one wouldn’t hurt.’

‘It’s a bit different when I’m not there, though, isn’t it? You’re the only one responsible for Charlie.’

‘Whose fault is that?’ I mumble. I think of Danielle then, how between them they’ve wrecked my life. He doesn’t know I know about her. I can’t tell him because if he realises I see her for therapy, I know he’ll say I can’t be her therapist anymore. I wonder if he knows about the baby she’s expecting, that it could be his.

Richard ignores the comment.