I Know Your Secret - Ruth Heald Page 0,5
most. I volunteer for a company which helps vulnerable people appeal wrongful convictions. I went into law because I wanted to help people, but in my corporate job I help companies, not people.’
‘You take pleasure in helping people?’
‘Yes, I actually thought about becoming a counsellor for a while. When I was really hating being a lawyer. But I realised that I didn’t need to switch paths entirely. I could put more effort into the clients I volunteer with to give something back. At the moment I’m helping a care worker who’s been convicted of Actual Bodily Harm for restraining a patient who was trying to attack him. We believe he should never have been convicted.’
She nods encouragingly.
‘I want to help the people who need it most, the most vulnerable. Without help they’d really struggle.’
‘I can see you enjoy it. Your face lights up when you talk about it.’
I nod. ‘It’s what sustains me, what makes me feel whole. Without it I… I don’t really know that I’d be happy.’ My voice breaks a little and I feel exposed, as if I’m sharing more than I intended.
‘You wouldn’t be happy without your job?’
‘I don’t know. Sometimes… sometimes I feel like I’ve planned out my life perfectly. And everything’s worked out for me. On the outside I have the perfect job, the perfect life, but on the inside I feel empty. Like there’s something missing inside me. Like my whole life is just an act.’ I look up at her nervously, fiddling with my hair.
She nods. ‘And how do you feel about Peter?’
I bite back the emotion that rises in me when I think of my husband. I remember the first flush of attraction when I met him, how much I wanted to be with him every second of every day. I remember our beautiful wedding day, tinged with the grief of getting married without either of my parents to see it, but the joy of joining with him forever, imagining building our own family together.
Things changed a few months ago when Peter had asked to take a break from our relationship. We’d been arguing a lot back then, but I’d still been devastated. Luckily we got back together again. But now it feels like we have separate lives, like two strangers existing in the same house.
Three
Beth
Danielle stares at the ocean of grey space beside her on the sofa, the place where Peter should be sitting. She takes a while to gather herself, pushing her straight blonde hair back behind her ears and smoothing her navy pencil skirt before she replies.
‘I’m glad I married Peter, but… we hardly see each other. Because of work. He’s a lawyer too. Sometimes we’re so absorbed in our jobs that we don’t see each other for days. I want to get the connection back that we had at the beginning. I want to fix our marriage. I thought he did too. But he’s not here, is he?’
‘Why couldn’t he make it today?’ I ask gently.
She’s silent, staring at the wall behind me. I’ve been watching her as she speaks, taking in her movements, the moments when her breathing quickens and then slows, her nervous tapping on the sofa. I’m glad now that I didn’t have time to cancel tonight’s session. I can already see how much Danielle needs this space to talk, how much I can help.
‘He’s at work,’ she says, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. ‘Like I said, we hardly see each other these days. I think he’s avoiding me.’
‘He’s avoiding you?’
‘Yeah. It’s because he doesn’t want a baby anymore. He promised me we’d start trying soon after we were married, but I think he’s changed his mind. Why would he do that?’ She looks at me desperately, as if I might know the answer. Tears form at the corners of her eyes.
I hold out the tissues towards her and she sniffs, taking one.
‘I can’t answer that for you,’ I say. ‘I can only help you work out how to answer it yourself.’
‘He says it’s because I get angry easily, and jealous. But he’s always either working or out late drinking with friends. It’s no wonder I get jealous when I never see him. I work late often too, but I want us to try and make time for each other.’
She’s silent for a moment and I’m careful not to interrupt her thoughts. I wonder if she thinks he’s having an affair, or if I’m just so caught up with what’s happened