I Know Your Secret - Ruth Heald Page 0,30
me. And I met the wrong man. He used to cheat on me, hit me. Since then I’ve been a bit, well, afraid of men in general.’
I nod, feeling sad for her. I’d had a partner who’d hit me too, before I met Nick. Nick had truly rescued me, made me feel like a real person, worthy of his love. But then I lost him, and I crumbled all over again.
‘I think…’ Danielle says, ‘I think that questioning my relationship with Peter… it brings it all back. I’m scared his temper will explode into something more. I’m always tiptoeing round him, trying not to upset him.’
I sigh, feeling a huge well of sadness building up inside me. None of us escapes our past. Danielle is just like me, still affected by men who hurt her years before. Our early relationships mould us and we find ourselves subconsciously repeating the patterns, subjecting ourselves to the same abusive relationships over and over.
I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye. I can help her to break the pattern. This is why I became a therapist. To help people like her.
‘I don’t think Peter wants a baby,’ Danielle says. ‘Not really.’
‘Have you spoken to him any more about it?’
‘Not recently. I’m too scared to bring it up. Too scared of what he might say. If he doesn’t want a baby then I’m not sure I want to be with him.’
I can hear the emotion she’s holding back. Her voice is choked. ‘A baby is so important to you,’ I say, leaning in towards her and listening intently.
‘I keep thinking back to other people I’ve met in the past, others I might have been with. I love Peter, but I’m beginning to wonder if I’d be better off with someone else. And I hate myself for thinking that, for thinking of ending it all, breaking my marriage vows.’
‘Someone else?’
‘There hasn’t really been anyone serious other than Peter. There was a guy I had a fling with when Peter and I were on a break, but he wasn’t right either.’
‘OK…’
She smiles, the first genuine smile I think I’ve seen from her. ‘He used to say I reminded him of Reese Witherspoon. Not because of the way I look. Obviously I don’t look anything like her, with my scars and my short hair. He used to say that my energy reminded him of her. My lust for life.’
Richard used to say something similar to me. He used to say my smile reminded him of Kate Winslet. I don’t look like her, but I liked the way he compared our smiles, the way he said that when we both smiled we lit up a room. I thought that was something unique to Richard, this way he had of complimenting me without it sounding superficial. But it must be more common than I thought.
She laughs. ‘I fell for the compliment, but he probably just wanted to get me into bed.’
My face flushes. I’d thought Richard’s words had been romantic.
‘He wasn’t right for me,’ Danielle continues. ‘He got on my nerves in the end. But I suppose the fact that I’m even thinking about exes means that maybe the relationship with Peter isn’t working as well as I’d hoped.’
I think about Peter telling her she wouldn’t be a good mother, how he threw petrol on the barbecue. There are a lot of things that sound wrong in the relationship.
She looks at me directly. ‘What would you do if you were me? I feel so trapped. What would you do?’
I shake my head. ‘I can’t answer that,’ I say, thinking how trapped I feel myself, in my own life, since Richard left. ‘I’m just here to help you work through your feelings, work out what you want to do. I can’t make the decisions for you.’
She looks dejected. ‘I need someone to help me work it out.’
‘I can continue to support you,’ I say. ‘You know you can talk about anything in here.’
‘I know you understand. You’re a single mum, aren’t you, to Charlie?’
I nod, taken aback.
‘That’s why he’s left on his own, isn’t it? During our sessions.’
I feel my whole body tense.
‘Oh, I’m sorry to be so nosy,’ she says, seeing the look on my face. ‘When I was in your bathroom, I saw there was just one adult toothbrush there. And I thought you must live on your own. I’ve wanted to ask you about it ever since, but it’s never felt appropriate.’
‘Oh,’ I say. ‘Well, yes,