I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,68

makes me less pathetic, I’d say.”

I didn’t know if I should laugh, make an inappropriate joke, or what? Dissolve into tears again? What would Willow do?

I’d attack, sweet cheeks. I could hear her again, and I relaxed.

“Willow talks to me,” I announced.

They both looked at me.

I kept on, needing to do this. “She’s around me all the time. I have conversations with her. I dream of her. And I hated it at first. I didn’t want to think of her, feel her, hear her, but she wouldn’t go away. She haunted me, until today.” My voice broke and I let my eyes drop. “She went away today, and I fell apart.” Keep going. “I hate her, and I love her, and I need her. But Dad . . .” A break. My throat ceased to work, just for a moment. “You’re the one alive. I need you more, and you left.” I wasn’t talking about just the night he moved out. “You stopped checking on me. You stopped knowing where I was.” I faltered again.

I heard sniffling and my dad clearing his throat over and over again.

“Mackenzie.”

His chair scraped against the floor. I couldn’t look up. I didn’t have the heart, and then I felt his arms around me. He knelt beside me, holding my head to his chest, and he took a deep breath.

“Mackenzie, I am so sorry.” His arms tightened around me.

I could’ve fallen apart then. I could’ve stopped, contented myself with the confessions I’d given, but that wasn’t all the truth inside me.

“I couldn’t bear to see myself, so how could I make you look at me?” I whispered.

I missed her.

I wanted her.

I didn’t want my dad’s arms around me.

I wanted hers around me.

“I don’t want her to be a ghost, Dad.”

“I know.” He patted my head and pushed back some of my hair like my mom used to, like Willow did at times. “I know. Trust me.” His voice grew thick and hoarse. “I miss your sister so much that I can’t bear it some days.”

It was right to be crying to my dad. But he wasn’t the one I needed. I thought it was him. I thought it was my mom. It wasn’t Robbie either.

There was one person I needed to hold me, and she couldn’t.

I pulled away from my dad, and he framed my face with his hands. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.” His hands fell from my face to my shoulders, and he pulled me back to his chest, wrapping his arms tight around me.

I looked at Ryan from within my dad’s hold, and he must’ve seen something in my eyes because he leaned forward in his seat again. “Uh, Mr. Malcolm?”

My dad eased back. “Yeah?”

Ryan watched me, and I nodded to him, smoothing out my shirt. There were stains everywhere.

“What’s really going on with you and . . .” He gestured inside.

“Oh.”

My dad looked at me, and I tried to smile. “I’m fine.”

He still paused.

“Really,” I added.

“Okay.” He sat in the chair closest to me and ran a hand over his face. “I’m not cheating on your mother. Mallory is a work colleague, and I came here because we have a project that needs to be finished as soon as possible. We’ve been working at it all day and had to call in more people to help. We have to work around the clock, and—” He looked up and found the clock on the wall. “We might get interrupted shortly. More of our colleagues are supposed to be coming here. They’re coming straight from the office.”

“You told me you were leaving us. You said you were leaving us for her.”

“I did, but I’m not.” He didn’t seem flustered by the accusation in my voice. “I mean, I said I was moving closer to Robbie, and that’s the truth. Your mother is with Robbie today, and I’ll be going tomorrow. Coming here wasn’t planned until my boss called me last night while I was on the highway. I thought I was cleared for the day off. That didn’t happen.”

I shook my head. “Why did you tell me you were leaving us for another woman?”

“Because it made sense. That’s what you thought, so I just let you.” He took a breath, started to say something, and took a second breath. “I was working yesterday with Mallory, but that’s all it was. Work. And your mother and I are separating, but I’m not leaving her for anyone. I’m here for work, only for work.