I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,57

first night, didn’t it? Nan told us how Ryan helped you sleep, and then it continued.”

God.

I gulped.

My throat hurt so much.

Her voice grew thick. “We have never stopped watching out for you, loving you, or thinking of you. But we’ve been selfish, selfish people lately.”

She still wasn’t looking at me. Her eyes remained fixed on her computer.

“I’m supposed to be at the office today, and your father and I were going to go see Robbie, but I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I got ready. I sat in the car, and when your father began to back out, I told him to stop.”

Tears traced down the sides of her face.

“I’ve been working all day here.”

“What about Robbie?” I winced. My voice sounded gruff and hoarse.

“Maybe I’ll go tomorrow.” Her eyes found mine, and they seemed clearer for a moment. It was like seeing the moonlight on a clouded night—one second it was there, and the next second, the clouds closed over it. “Would you like to come?”

A lump the size of the Titanic settled in the back of my throat.

I started to nod, and then I couldn’t stop myself. I kept nodding and nodding. “Yes. I’d like that.”

She stared at my bag on the floor. “Do you have homework to do?”

“I skipped today.”

Her eyes flicked back to mine, and she swallowed. “Really?” She coughed once and frowned. “What did you do today?”

“We went to Ryan’s friend’s house.”

Her head shook once. It was swift, an abrupt movement. “Was there drinking?”

“Yes.”

We’d had almost no communication for weeks, and it was as if the dam had opened, and I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to get in trouble. I wanted . . . I wanted to be normal again.

“Sex?”

Okay. That wasn’t one of the things I wanted to share. “No.”

“No as in ever, or no as in today?”

Her eyes were beady and staring hard.

Damn. She had me.

“No as in today.”

Her eyes closed, and her chest lifted in a silent breath. “Okay. That answers the question you avoided. You and Ryan have had sex?”

My tongue felt heavy. “Yes.”

“When?”

“Last night.”

She looked up, her eyes wet. “Was last night the first?”

I nodded as my throat closed.

“Ever?” That word was hoarse.

I nodded.

“So you’re no longer a virgin?”

I felt my tears then. They rolled down my cheeks and somehow, I felt a piece of me fit back in the right place.

“Yes.”

Her shoulders began to shake. She lifted balled-up fists to her mouth and hunched over, shoving her chair back. Her head rested on the table as she cried.

I couldn’t hear a sound. Still.

Chapter Twenty-Four

“She knows everything?” Ryan asked.

I lay on my bed later that night, my phone to my ear. “They’ve known about it the whole time.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” I rolled to my back.

I could hear music blaring in his background and assumed he was still at Kirk’s. He’d texted a few times since I’d gone, so after the meltdown with my mom, I called him. He needed to be warned about what was coming. I’d also had to fess up about not going to see Robbie.

“You lied?” he’d asked, his voice sounding off.

“I didn’t want to be a clinger and make you hate me for being all fucked up in the head.”

He laughed. “I’ve never told you, but I think the reason I let you stay in my bed that first night was because of how fucked you are in the head.”

I sat up. “No way.”

“The more fucked up they are, the more I like them.”

I rolled my eyes, hearing the teasing in his voice. “You’re messing with me.”

He laughed again, a short bark. “Yeah, I am. You aren’t that messed up, and if I’d met you without everything that happened, I still would’ve wanted you. I can tell you that much. You don’t have to worry about me.”

You hear that, Willow?

I imagined her response: Bite me.

But we moved our conversation on to the fact that I was going to see Robbie tomorrow.

“Are you going during school or after school?”

I frowned. “I imagine after school? My mom wasn’t too thrilled to hear that I’d skipped today.”

The two pieces that had molded together earlier seemed to reach out and fit with another. That was three pieces of me put back together right. I could feel an almost calm emanating from them.

I could only smile, knowing I looked like an idiot, if anyone were to see me. They would’ve assumed I was glowing because I was on the phone with Ryan, but nope—just me, my messed-up self, and