I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,53

know we’ve all been hanging out for a while, but since you and Ryan are obviously more than fooling around, I figured I should try to get to know you a bit. You know, one on one.”

I took the shot, dropped the glass on the table, and moved away from him. Without breaking stride, I said, “That’s weird.”

Four shots. Dear Tequila Lord, please work more. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

He followed me toward the pool. “My sister says I’m that too.”

Nick mostly stuck to conversation with Kirk and Ryan. If he wasn’t talking to them, chances were high he was ragging on Tom. He rarely talked to me, and I could see why. I was on edge, and I knew he had a mean streak in him, so I was thinking this combination wasn’t a smart one.

I called to Kirk, “You have bathing suits around here?”

Kirk pointed inside the pool shed. “In here. Marie keeps everything washed, so if it’s on the floor, just leave it. It hasn’t been cleaned yet.” He hit Ryan’s shoulder and jerked his head backward. “Come on. Let’s take another shot.”

He stepped aside as I came over to them. His words were for Ryan, but he was watching me. “I don’t want to lose you in there with your girlfriend again. Who knows when the two of you will come back out.”

I stopped right between the two. I could feel Ryan behind me, and I knew he was going to touch me. And in three, two, one, his hand came to rest on the small of my back.

I suppressed one of the good shivers and forced myself not to lean back against him. It would’ve been so easy.

Instead, I fixed Kirk with a glare. “Tsk, tsk. You’re coming across as jealous.”

Kirk’s smug grin vanished. His eyes widened, and he straightened. “That isn’t what I meant.”

“Still.” God forbid we didn’t play by Kirk’s rules for how he wanted the skip day to happen. I winced inwardly at the amount of anger I felt.

I didn’t like being chastised by Kirk, but I also didn’t like the way I was acting.

I could feel Ryan’s gaze on me as I shut the door with him outside. He was saying something to Kirk, and I recognized reproach in his tone. I leaned back and let out a deep breath.

Good God, what was I doing?

Skipping. Taking four shots of tequila. Making out with Ryan and smarting back at his best friend? Being snide to his other friend?

Reaching behind me, I locked the door and slid down, my head hanging between my legs. One moment. I needed one goddamn moment for everything to settle.

Willow sat next to me. It’s only going to get worse, twin sister.

Go away.

I have nothing better to do. I check in with Robbie, and he’s sad, but he’s at least grieving me in the right way.

Was I going to indulge in this? Yes. Apparently, I was. What are you talking about?

He cries, but then he goes and plays with his friends. When he feels the grief, he stops and feels it. He doesn’t deny it like you do.

I couldn’t. She didn’t understand. If I let it come—I shook my head and pushed myself back to my feet. I couldn’t have this conversation, real or not. If I let any of it in, I’d be crushed. It was a mountain of raw, blistering pain, and I wouldn’t come out intact.

She didn’t know. She didn’t understand. No one did.

Swimsuit, Mackenzie, I told myself. Find one and stop thinking. It’s fucking simple.

I felt Willow’s presence as I found a suit and put it on. She was always there, but I was getting better at pretending she wasn’t. And feeling the tequila really begin to kick in, I knew she’d be gone real soon.

Completely gone.

Grabbing a towel, I threw open the door. You can stay in here.

After that, I walked right to the pool and dove in. Once I was in there, I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. The tequila was fast starting to dull my senses, but it’d wear off. I had to keep going. I started doing laps. I’d tire myself out.

And it worked. I don’t know how long I went, but I just kept going until the others jumped in with me.

I felt the splashing before a pair of arms slid around my stomach, and then I was airborne.

Shrieking, I saw Ryan grinning at me a second before I crashed into the water again. I rose back to