I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,37

made sense. My parents were both in the city at their jobs. They’d be gone till seven or even eight in the evening, and there was no Robbie during the week anymore.

Ryan didn’t have the same emptiness at his place with his mom in and out, Peach coming home after school, and the staff.

So my house it was.

Going into the kitchen, I dropped my bag onto the counter and picked up a delivery menu. “We could order food since it’s technically lunchtime.”

Ryan smirked, jumping up to sit on the counter next to my bag. His feet almost touched the floor. “Whatever you want. You guys have food here?”

I opened the fridge.

Lettuce. Milk. Cheese. Two cartons of yogurt and some apples. The freezer wasn’t any better: some diet ice cream bars for Mom.

I closed both doors and picked up the menu again. “Ordering it is.”

He nodded. “Sounds good to me. Order whatever. I’ll pay.”

I grinned over the top of the menu, reaching for the landline phone. “Are we on a skip date?”

“We’re on a skip day, and you can pay next time if you want.”

I laughed, the sound a little hollow. “Deal.”

After ordering pizza, we grabbed some drinks and headed into the theater room. I kept the door open and my phone close by so I could hear when the food arrived.

Ryan followed me in, lying on one of the couches and resting his arm up over the back. He kicked his legs up on the chair in front of him. I started to perch next to him, but he grunted and reached for me, hauling me almost onto his lap.

“What are you doing?” he grumbled. “After last night, you’re shy?”

I felt the back of my neck heating up and looked at my hands in my lap. “Yeah, actually.”

“What?” He pulled back so he could better see my face. “Really?”

I looked up. “I don’t really know what I’m doing day to day,” I admitted. “Hell, even hour to hour.”

I kept to myself how I could almost see Willow sitting on the far end of the couch. She was everywhere.

“I’m going a little nuts.”

He shrugged, taking the remote from me. His hand brushed against mine, leaving a tingle in its wake.

“I think if you weren’t, something would be wrong.”

I leaned my head back, watching him as he turned on the large screen and began scrolling through the channels.

“You think?”

His eyes found mine again, holding them a moment before softening. “Yeah. My friend died, and I wanted to rail at everyone. They acted like I was supposed to be over it and done by the time school started again. I got a four-day weekend to mourn. My parents didn’t understand why I wasn’t so interested in doing things afterward.”

“What do you mean?” I sat up next to him, but he grabbed my legs and pulled them onto his lap. His thumb rubbed the inside of my calf.

He leaned back, turning toward the screen again, but he wasn’t watching it. A mask settled over his face, one I was starting to recognize—it fell into place any time he talked to someone who wasn’t one of his friends or me. Even his sister got the mask.

“I don’t know.” His chest rose silently and then fell again. “He died during the winter, at the end of our holiday break, so football was done by then. But I probably would’ve quit that. I played basketball, kinda had to. The whole town would have erupted if I hadn’t, but I quit everything else. Baseball. Anything extra I was supposed to do. My parents were having a crisis. They didn’t know what was going on with me. I stopped giving a shit about anything they did.” He laughed quietly. “I smoked a lot of pot that year with Kirk. Drank a lot too.”

“How old were you?”

“It was two years ago.”

My chest ached. I looked over, and Willow seemed to have moved closer to us, but she was fading. I almost couldn’t see her. I tuned her out and tuned into Ryan.

“I’m sorry.”

His hand began to move again, caressing my leg, moving a little farther down the inside and back up.

My throat felt like it was closing in. “You and Kirk partied together that year?” I rasped.

“No. Well, yes, but that isn’t why we became friends. Derek was Kirk’s cousin. He was as messed up as I was. He says I was worse. I say he was worse, but yeah, we did a lot of stupid shit together that year.”

“And