I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,270

this.”

The air gets colder and more tense as my eyes narrow and I watch him. “I thought we were doing better,” I tell him although it comes out a question.

He turns to look at me, but quickly looks back out into the field of nothing.

I have to tell him. I have to push. Toby whines as the thought hits me, and I reach down to pet him again. I’ve never been more scared in my adult life.

I slowly sit, although my legs are shaky and this close to Toby’s jaws reminds me of the vicious barking, the way he held me down that first night. I ignore it all. I have to give a piece to John. Something to keep him.

“John, I want to tell you a secret.”

“What’s that?” he asks and looks down at me, but I don’t look back up at him as I pet Toby and try to think of what to tell him. It’s been days and I don’t know what I can say that he’d believe.

“I knew you when you were a child.” My heart hurts as I confess. “This one time, you taught me how to whistle with a blade of grass.” The memory is so fresh. I can still feel the bit of sunshine. A reward I was terrified would come with a punishment. “Do you remember?” I ask him.

I take a peek up to look at him, and his expression tells me everything I already knew. He doesn’t remember a damn thing, and he won’t believe me. All the time we spent together, none of it exists for him.

I hold the tears back as Toby rests his head in my lap. His warmth is so at odds with the bitter coldness that surrounds me.

“Are you alright?” he asks me, and my heart sinks even further.

“You don’t remember me, but I’m not lying to you, John.” I steady my breath. “I’m not crazy,” I tell him and as the words slip out, I feel as though I am. I’m beyond sane at least.

“We never knew each other. The first time I saw you...” John starts, but doesn’t finish his sentence. I wait, holding my breath and hoping for something, but also fearing it.

Please remember me. Please, John. I need you.

“You ripped it right out of the ground,” I tell him, brushing beneath my nose with my forearm and not giving a damn about it. “And put it right to your lips.” A smile forces its way to my lips and a laugh bubbles up. “I thought you were eating it,” I tell him.

Silence greets me, and this time I don’t look up to gauge his reaction. I let my body sway with Toby.

“I’m not the only one who’s hurt, John. Neither is Jay.” I whisper the words and half expect him to ask how it relates to Jay. Part of me hopes he will, but he doesn’t.

Finally, he says, “I don’t remember any of that.”

“It’s okay,” I say and smile weakly. “I mean, I wish you did. I really wish you knew how much you meant to me.”

“Then leave with me?” John asks.

“Will you listen if I…” I can’t finish. He won’t believe me, or worse, it’ll push him farther away.

“Robin, whatever Jay told you-”

I shake my head and close my eyes. “This isn’t something he told me, John.” My voice is hard and unforgiving.

“I love you, John. You don’t remember me, but I think you love me, too,” I tell him, exposing everything I’m most afraid of. “Just don’t leave me. Not yet. Not until I can tell you everything.”

Chapter 23

Robin

I’m not used to waiting this long. I pick at my nails, wondering if I’ve ruined everything. Wondering if I should try to find him. I wish there were a clock in here. Something. Anything to fill up the silence.

My eyes drift back to the only constant in the room. The camera that’s facing me.

The light isn’t on, but it feels like it’s taunting me that much more with it off. Like the cameras never mattered. Nothing did. It was going to happen regardless.

I slide off the bed, feeling restless and with an anxiety that won’t go away. I hate that camera. I hate the blinking red light. I swallow thickly as I walk toward it. My throat is tight as I remember how the monster’s breath felt against my neck like a sticky fog. How my body screamed in pain and the bed shook as he took something from me I