I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,268

with a bit of an admonishment, but then he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. “I love it,” he says with a soft smile.

I smile into his chest and then look up at him.

The faint light of the moon filtering in through the windows highlights the sharp lines of his jaw and his rough stubble. I nudge my nose against his chin and he lets out a huff of a laugh.

“You really should be sleeping,” he tells me and I nuzzle next to him. I wish I felt warm fuzzy feelings, but I don’t. I feel nothing but anxiety.

“I want to talk,” I tell him and it makes him laugh. A genuine laugh that’s rough and bubbles up from his chest. It’s the sweetest sound to hear, and it reminds me of the first time I heard it. Pure joy from a man so devoid of any happiness.

“Of course you do.” He runs a hand down his face and lets out an easy sigh before looking at me. “What do you want to talk about, little bird?”

“Anything,” I answer him. “Just tell me something.” I nestle closer to him, but keep my hands to myself. I love this. This easiness and openness. I want this forever.

“I feel better now with you,” he tells me and it makes me smile, but the happiness quickly vanishes. “Before I thought it would be better if I just left.” He looks into my eyes as he talks, absently trailing his fingers over the dip in my waist.

“I thought it would be easier if I was just gone.”

“That’s a horrible thought to have, Jay and you’re so wrong-”

“Shh,” Jay shushes me and calms me down by kissing my forehead. “I know that. I could never leave you anyway. Even if you had no idea I was there.”

His admission only makes me feel that much worse. “I wish I’d been there for you,” I whisper against his chest. I desperately want to rest my hand against his chest, but instead I move my fingers to the front of his pajama bottoms and slip them just over the edge so I’m comfortable.

“I can’t tell you how many nights I wanted to get in bed with you,” Jay says. “I know it’s wrong. Stalking or whatever, but I wanted it. I wanted to go after you.”

“I wish you had. I wish you hadn’t waited.”

“It’s not like I could have shown up and asked you out for coffee.” Jay huffs a chuckle, and it makes my body shake. His large arm wraps around me. “I wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t broken for you.” The smile vanishes as he rubs his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh.

“We’re broken,” I correct him. I chew on the inside of my lip, thinking about how to word the next question. The one thing that’s really kept us apart.

“Have you tried to tell John at all?” I ask him and stay perfectly still, staring at the bedroom wall.

“He hates me,” Jay says as if it’s a fact.

“He doesn’t.”

“There’s hate behind the pity. It’s why he doesn’t want to know,” he says and it makes my heart clench.

“Can we talk about something else, little bird?” Jay asks and then kisses my forehead. “Or sleep?”

“He’s the only thing holding us back,” I tell him. I need more. I know I can’t push, but I want Jay in my life fully and completely and I need more than this.

“Us?” he asks.

“Don’t pretend, Jay. I won’t let you do it, too,” I say and there’s a strength to my voice I don’t recognize. I add, “I love you too much.”

I want so desperately for him to say the words back to me. I want to hear it although I feel it deep in my soul already. I want him to acknowledge it more than anything.

It’s quiet for a long moment. My breathing steadies and my eyes drift shut as I listen to the sound of his steady heartbeat and sink deeper into his comforting warmth.

“Do you love him too?” he asks me quietly a moment later.

I don’t answer his question. I can’t. Because right now, I know if I tell him the truth, it will break him. And I’ll never hurt Jay. Never.

Chapter 22

Robin

It’s not snooping if you’re looking for something that will help a person you love.

I’m sure that’s what parents say when they’re searching their children’s rooms and going through their text messages. I need to find