I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,254

head as the words slip out and I lose my sense of composure. I rest my head in my hands, my fingers spearing through my hair and I rock forward slightly. I’m not normally like this. The last time was my final session with Marie.

She reminded me so much of Jay. So much of me. So much of what we’d been through.

But this is nothing like what that poor girl went through. There’s only so much a person can be pushed. Only so much pain they can handle before they break. She wouldn’t take the medication I prescribed, and she couldn’t turn off the nightmares.

I can’t break down again. I can’t let what happened to Marie happen to Jay. I have to be strong for those who can’t. I failed her.

“I can, and I will. Please, little bird, my Robin.” Jay rises and crawls to me. I peek up through my lashes, wet with the promise of tears that I hold back.

I don’t resist him when he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his lap. I stay still, not reaching up like I did when I was a child. He’d hold me if I promised not to hold him back.

But his grip on me is so different now. Everything is different.

The way the warmth of his strong body envelops me and heats my blood.

The way our breath mingles and begs me to arch my neck and press my lips against his.

The way I lean into his chest and breathe in his scent. He’s slow to react when I place my hand on his thigh. He shushes me, cautiously, as if he’s not sure that’s what he wants to do. Slowly, he bends forward and kisses my neck.

This is so horribly wrong.

I need to be stronger than this. Stronger for Jay.

“How does this end?” I ask him.

He gives me a sad smile. “I don’t know, little bird,” he says looking down at me. “I don’t know what will happen when he finds out.”

I start to answer him, but the moment my lips open with a quick breath, he cuts me off.

“You need to go to bed.”

“Can I sleep with you?” I ask him although I hate myself for it. I crave his comfort, and I know he craves mine. He gently pushes a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear, looking at me all the while with a tortured gaze.

“I want to touch you,” Jay says and the sadness in his voice is outweighed by desire.

“Then touch me,” I whisper, but it only cues him to stand, leaving me on the floor and staring up at him, the hope dimming with each passing second.

“I don’t trust myself,” he finally says and I shake my head, wiping the sleep and misery from my eyes.

The shame overwhelms me again. I’m so fucked up and broken for wanting him, but I do, so badly. Jay’s hand grips my chin, forcing me to look up at him although the touch is comforting.

“It’s not you, Robin,” he tells me and before I can answer him with a sarcastic remark he says, “I want to make it hurt.” His eyes are dark as he lets his hand fall. He turns his back to me as I let his words sink in. The muscles in his broad shoulders ripple in the dim light as he walks away from me, leaving me behind and he says with finality, “Now go to bed.”

Chapter 15

Robin

I roll over with a groan. The click of a door opening and closing wakes me from my sleep. My eyes hurt, and my head feels heavy. I didn’t sleep enough, but the second I come to, I don’t want to sleep.

Jay. I make a move to get off the bed, but my leg hits something hot and heavy.

I almost scream at the sight of Toby on the sheets, his jaws opening wide with a yawn. It’s a lazy yawn, as if there’s not a damn thing wrong in this dog’s life. He stretches on the bed as I slowly creep away, my heart beating fast even though I repeat to myself over and over that it’s okay. Not all dogs are the same. Just like people.

“He doesn’t want to hurt me,” I whisper with my eyes closed and when I open them, he’s staring back at me.

I notice the flecks of yellow in his chocolate brown eyes. His tongue laps along his sharp teeth and it’s all I