I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,154

didn’t think so.” Gone is the anger in her voice, all I hear now is challenge.

I guess it’s like the saying about glass houses and throwing stones. But it’s different for me. He’s complicated, rich, famous, and doesn’t live here. Why am I going to let myself get tangled in some crazy mess? I’m not.

Do I like him? Yup.

Do I wish I didn’t? Yup.

Does he listen to anything I’ve said regarding what he can expect? Absolutely not. He wormed his way in, and I’m pretty sure he has no intention to leave.

“It’s not the same. He’s got too many question marks around him.”

“You’re allowed to love again. You love me and I’m a giant unknown.”

Loving Stephanie was never a choice, it was absolute. Even with knowing the ending of our story, I wouldn’t make different choices. With Eli, I’m not there yet. I don’t have to let it get that far. Loving another gives them power, it can be beautiful, fulfilling, and as easy as breathing, but if I lose it again, it will destroy me.

I twist the fabric of my shirt in my hands, feeling the threads loosen and notice the similarities in my own life. Each time I think I’m together and secured, something starts to break the bond, and I tear.

“I won’t let myself fall for him, Steph. I like him, I won’t lie, but he’s leaving soon. His life isn’t in Tampa. I’m not moving. I’m not leaving you.”

“It’s going to be me who leaves you, Heather. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but we both know it’s coming.” A tear falls down her cheek and another follows suit.

“Don’t say that.” I beg.

“It’s the truth, and you have to come to terms with it.”

Tears spring in my eyes. I don’t want to lose my sister. The thought of living in a world without her is intolerable. I’ve lost more than any person should, and life isn’t done taking from me yet. Stephanie, she’s mine. I’ve cared for her, watched her grow, packed her lunch, dressed her for prom, and the idea that I won’t have her in my life is too much.

Sometimes it’s all just too much.

“We have time.” I will the words to be true.

“I’m saying that when I go, I want to know you’re okay. Don’t you get it? As much as you love me, I love you more. You are my whole heart, and you have no idea how much anger I have inside me about this d-d-disease. It’s taken everything from you, Heather. It took your money, your husband, your whole life! I need to know you have someone!”

“Stop it! Stop it right now!” I yell back at her, swiping the tears from my cheek. “We’re not going to do this.”

“We have to do this. We have to talk about it.”

I don’t want to. I want to forget and enjoy what time we have. I get to my feet and move around the room, trying to stop the tears that keep falling. I turn my back to her, looking out the window. Maybe I’m weak, but it’s easier than facing her. “I can’t lose you.” My voice cracks with so much pain that I could splinter.

“Heather, look at me.” I turn and meet her blue eyes that shimmer with unshed tears. “You will never lose me. We didn’t lose Mom and Dad, we just can’t see them anymore.”

This time, it’s my hands that are trembling. I move closer and reach out to touch her face. “I love you so much.”

“I know,” she murmurs.

“I hate this.”

“Me, too.”

“Do you forgive me for yelling? Are we good?”

Steph smiles and takes my hand. “If you want me to be good, you have to promise me you’ll stop pushing everyone away. You have to tell me that you’ll let your heart be open. Can you do that?”

I’ve never lied to Stephanie. It’s one thing that I’ve always prided myself on. I tell her the truth, consequences be damned. Words matter and promises are meant to be kept.

“I promise to try.”

Stephanie’s eyes narrow. “Try?”

“Yes, I’ll try to be open. I’ll try to let Eli in a little, or if not him, some other jackass who will only fuck with my head.”

That’s really what it comes down to . . . men are liars. They say they’re one thing and they never are. Matt said he loved me, that he’d honor and cherish me, and the first time shit got rough, he bailed. Cherish my ass.

“I