I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,134

allowing sadness and the smell of fresh cut grass to fill my body.

“I know I haven’t been here in a while, I’m sorry.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “It’s sometimes hard to get here, especially lately.”

After passing out on Nicole’s couch, I woke this morning and drove here. There’s a lot I need to say, and sometimes a girl just needs her mother.

This is one of those times.

“There’s so much that’s happened since I last visited. Matt and I are divorced now, but that’s kind of old news. Let’s see, I’m still partnered with Brody, he’s annoying as all hell, but I can’t imagine working beside anyone else. Stephanie is living in Breezy Beaches full time. It’s hard not having her with me, but it got to be too much. Everything is a mess, Mom. I did something stupid, and now I don’t know what to do.”

I place the flowers on the ground and start to arrange them. “I met this guy, you probably remember my obsession with Four Blocks Down—Eli specifically. Well, we met at his concert the other night, and I . . .” I feel weird telling my mom about our one-night stand. Not that she can respond and tell me about her disappointment, but still. “Anyway, he showed up at the house last night, and we talked for hours. I like him, but it’s so complicated. I’m not special or anything. I’m worried that he’ll break my heart, and I really don’t have much left of it as it is.”

As much I want to talk to her about this, there’s something else that forced me to finally drive here. The confliction I feel isn’t just about Eli, it’s about my whole life. All the things that I can’t control, and I’m tired of spinning.

My fingers trace her name on the cool headstone, reminding me that everything here is dead. “I hope you understand why I’ve stayed away. Seeing your names like this hurts so much sometimes. Hell, pretty much all the time. And soon, Steph will be here with you.” I drop my hand and fight the surge of tears that threaten to fall. “I don’t know how I’ll go on when that happens. I’ve tried so hard to accept this, but I can’t. I’ve done everything I can for her, but she keeps getting sicker, and it’s killing me. I love her so much.” There’s no stopping the tears now. They flow, and I know that I need this. I need my mother to hear me. “I know she isn’t my daughter, but she’s been mine to raise, and she’s going to die. Just like you and Daddy. Just like everyone I love. You all get taken from me.”

My hand finds its way back to the top of the stone, and I let my forehead rest against my knuckles as I fall apart. Fears that I’ve shoved deep for years all bubble to the surface. Losing my sister will be the nail in my own coffin. I will have lost each member of my family without any way of stopping it.

“I’m supposed to help people. I save people every day, but I can’t save her, Mommy. I can’t help her. I can’t give her a life that she deserves. I’m so sorry. I know you trusted me to keep her safe.” All the emotions I’ve been holding in pour out. The crying is loud and painful, but necessary. I’ve been strong for so long, I don’t have it in me anymore. “How can you let God take her from me, too? I’ll be alone and have failed you all. Please forgive me—” My words choke off and I fold in on myself, sobbing and trying desperately to draw air into my too-tight lungs.

Eventually, when my eyes are red and puffy and my emotions have run dry, I stand and touch my hand to my lips before pressing the kiss on the headstone. “I love you both. I miss you more than you’ll ever know, and I hope it’s a while before I’m back here again.”

Because the next time will be Stephanie’s funeral.

I walk back to my car, draw a few calming breaths, and then flip the visor down. I’m a mess. I wipe away the makeup that was ruined by crying.

There’s a reason I don’t come here often: it’s too damn hard.

My phone pings with a text.

Stephanie: Are you coming to visit today?

Me: Of course.

Stephanie: See you soon?

Me: I’m on my way now.