I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,109

stage right now. If he isn’t looking at me—which I know he’s not—I’ll feel stupid. If he is—again I know he’s not—I may have a stroke.

“Be right back,” I call out to the girls.

“You okay?” Danielle yells.

“I need another beer.”

She raises her can and then I head up the stairs. The music plays in the background as I keep moving.

I arrive at the concession stand and grab two more drinks. I’m going to need them. But I decide there’s no way I’m going to feel bad. I’m allowed to let loose. Besides, I’m sure he gets this all the time. Everyone here loves him, so why the hell do I care if he happened to hear me? I don’t.

Lie.

But, no, this is the first time I’ve been out in how long? I’m going to enjoy every damn minute. I brush it off, sip my beer, and decide to own my pubescent love of Eli Walsh.

As I turn, I come face to face with Matt.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi.” I muster all the enthusiasm I have . . . which is none.

He scans the crowd and looks at the beer in my hand. I can see the judgment in his eyes. God forbid I actually have a life. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I didn’t think I’d see you, either.”

Matt puffs out his chest and puts his hand on his gun belt. “Well, I figured I’d get some overtime.”

“That’s good.”

I’m not sure what to say at this point.

“So, how’s life? Steph?”

Like you care.

“She’s been good. Asked about you the other day.”

Matt rakes his fingers through his short brown hair. Seeing him like this makes it hard to forget how good things were for a period of time. Right now, he’s just a normal guy, not the asshole who broke my heart. “I’m glad she’s doing good. So, Four Blocks Down? Didn’t peg you for a groupie.”

I’m honestly shocked he’s surprised. Four Blocks Down was played at our wedding. He knows how much I love them. My bridesmaids serenaded me to my favorite Eli song.

“Attending a concert doesn’t make me a groupie, Matt. I’m enjoying a night out.”

His hand touches my shoulder. I wait for a feeling, any feeling, but nothing comes. I used to turn into a puddle when he was near me. He used to make my heart race, now he makes my head hurt.

I don’t know if I can pinpoint exactly when it happened, but we fell out of love as quickly as we fell in love. I think I cried more over losing the idea of my marriage than losing him. I wanted a love like my parents had. Instead, I got apathy and a man who was extremely jealous of my sick sister.

Matt’s thumb grazes my bare skin. “You deserve it.”

The door opens, and Nicole catches my eye. The scowl on her face makes me grin. There’s no love lost between these two.

She bumps my hip with hers, causing my beer to slosh over the rim of the cup. “If it isn’t Deputy Dickless, or should we say, Captain Kangaroo?” Nicole says before grabbing the cup and taking a drink.

Here we go.

“Hello, Nicole,” he says through gritted teeth. “And I’m a lieutenant not a deputy or captain.”

“Sooo sorry to get that wrong.” She touches her chest. “Well, as much as I don’t give a shit . . .”

“Nic,” I say, hoping to diffuse the situation. Nicole holds grudges, and the fact that Matt hurt me still enrages her.

Thankfully, she takes another swig instead of responding. When she finishes, she links her arm in mine. “On that note. I’m going to steal my best friend so we can enjoy our night without spineless men who leave their wives because they’re selfish. Bye now.”

She pulls me away.

“Bye,” I say.

Nicole squeezes my arm. “I love you and want you to please not spend another second thinking of him.”

“I’m fine. He was being really nice.”

That was part of the problem. In the beginning, I was happy. Then Steph got sicker, and my attention wasn’t directed toward him anymore. I needed to care for her, which meant Matt had to care for me. He either didn’t want to or he didn’t know how to, and it was the beginning of the end. We fought all the time and barely saw each other. Then, right before he left me, he was ridiculously nice. There wasn’t passionate lovemaking or any big grand fights. Everything was even keel.

“Good. Let’s go sing and see if you make