I Drink for a Reason - By David Cross Page 0,8

can’t that be agreed upon by everyone? Even lefty hippies. That seems fair. That’s one of those little things on the plus side of being an Athiest, no conflicting rules within your prescribed religion in which you have to pick, and then justify, a side. As I mentioned earlier, I know that there are often very good arguments against capital punishment. The most undeniable being the mountains of innocents put to death based on the rash judgments of the ignorant who are ruled by their emotions, or worse, the corrupt. But seriously, you kill two elderly people for some crack money, you die. I don’t care if you sober up and realize you’ve done a naughty thing.

I also believe immigration is a legitimate issue and that handing out fliers to remind everyone that immigrants built this country doesn’t matter. While it’s true, and a nice thing to remember, it is of zero relevance today. I believe that the Koran is a violent tome whose teachings go against everything this country stands for and people who subscribe to it are suspect. We’ve already got enough crazy lunatic religious zealots in this country, so let’s not add so many of their sworn enemies that I have to live in fear of the coming crusades pouring down Fifth Avenue just when there’s the big annual sale at Barney’s.

Let’s see. What else can I tell you to put a wedge between me and annoying lefties? Oh, how about this?

Woodstock

I AM WELL ON RECORD STATING MY DISDAIN AND CONTEMPT FOR hippies ( idrinkforareason.com/austinhippieriff). Any new-age, gytronics-Pilated Stevie Nicks wannabe armed with enough Dr. Bronner’s soap and a bushel of sage can, and will, tell you in five “Oh wow, man’s” or less what’s wrong with the world/America. But they will consistently be erroneous because they will have left themselves out of the equation, and they are very much a part of what’s wrong in America.

But how can they be part of what’s wrong with America? They leave most of us alone and don’t impose their illogic on others. Yes? They are a simple and passive breed of drum-circling do-gooders. Right? Right?! Mmm, not really. Just as they might correctly consider all outdoor advertising (billboards, advertecture, etc.) to be eye-rape (or whatever half-assed cutesy name they might call that), I consider all of their riot of colors and stupid bumper stickers to be eye-rape as well. And the kind of eye-rape that leaves you with an advanced case of eye-AIDS to boot.

I’ve always hated bumper stickers as a way to communicate. They’re fine if you want to show your support for the Steelers or trumpet your child’s academic prowess. It’s the bumper stickers that espouse ideology or a political point that I can’t stand. There’s a smugness and cool detachment to them that I don’t care for. As well, they are usually completely ineffective. As far as I know, neither Tibet or Mumia or Leonard Peltier is free. Kids still use drugs, war still wages across the world, and we still proudly trade our children’s blood for oil.

I would like to force them to “Practice the Random Acts of Kindness” they feel are so important on unsuspecting and uninterested fellow passengers and see what those people think. Will they change their attitude once they see that no one really wants to learn the zither or know how to make a compress out of cow dung and boysenberries to help get rid of crow’s feet? There are numerous epicenters of this kind of community across America, and I’ve been to many of them. But there is one that stands a bit taller and sillier than the rest. No, not Boulder or Taos or Marin or Eugene or Burlington. It’s Woodstock, NY. There is a shop there—let’s call it “The Lavender Buffoon” * —that features a pet psychic. A pet psychic, you say? “But that’s ridiculous. Just being a psychic is ridiculous already.” Yes, they’ve taken perhaps the oldest and scammiest of the scams and kicked it up a level. And there are enough deluded idiots up there to financially support it.

There are few greater proponents of absolute, improvable hucksterism than psychics. And I am including anyone involved in religion. The ability to convince intellectually weak suckers that not only can I tell you what tidings or warnings your long-dead uncle wishes to impart, but I can also tell you if your fish is feeling melancholy, or if your black Lab, “Howard Zinn’s People’s History of the United