I Do Not Come to You by Chance - By Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani Page 0,91
you noticed that I never fall sick? Even if I go to a place where mosquitoes drink blood with straws, I can never catch malaria.’
He leaned closer and whispered.
‘Have you also noticed that my women are always coming back for more? No matter how many times they’re with me, they still want more. It’s because there’s nobody who satisfies them the way I do.’
He laughed.
‘This is my secret.’ He pointed at the meat he was chomping on. ‘404 works wonders in the body. You see all those funny diseases that women carry around in their bodies? With 404 you won’t catch anything.’
I was aghast. 404 was dog meat. I had heard of certain parts of Nigeria where dog meat was a delicacy, but this was my first time watching someone eating it.
‘And another thing . . .’ he continued, ‘404 protects you from your enemies. No one of them can touch me if I keep eating it regularly.’
He took a sip from the wine in his glass.
‘Should I tell them to bring some for you?’ He grinned. ‘You’ll need it against tonight. You know you have to sharpen your machete very well before you set off for the farm.’
‘No, thank you,’ I replied quickly.
Recently, I had done several things of which I had never thought myself capable, but eating the body parts of a dog was way beyond my league.
‘OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ Cash Daddy said. ‘Camille is a very dangerous girl.’
While we were eating, an enchantress stiletto-ed over to our table in a short red dress that clung dangerously to her derriere. Her knees and knuckles were black where the bleaching cream had refused to work. Her hair extensions went all the way down to her waist and curled at the tips. Cash Daddy patted her behind and introduced us.
‘This is Camille,’ he said. ‘My jewel of inestimable value. She’s a law student at Abia State University.’ He grabbed my shoulder and shook. ‘This is Kings. The latest millionaire in town. After all, our elders say that a dirty hand will eventually lead to an oily mouth.’
I realised too late that the misapplication of this popular Igbo proverb was supposed to be a joke. My laughter joined in when theirs was already at an anticlimax.
Camille bubbled with goodwill to all mankind. She gazed attentively at Cash Daddy, and winked at me from time to time. She wiped some grease from his upper lip, and straightened my shirt collar. Eventually, she reached over and kissed me briefly on the lips. I worried that some of her rouge might have stayed behind, but resisted the urge to wipe my lips with my hands. Then she transferred herself to my lap and smiled like someone used to turning scrawny sonnies into world heavyweight boxing champions. I was not sure where to keep my hands; I left them dangling awkwardly by my side.
Camille’s instructions from Cash Daddy were simple.
‘Collect the key to room 671,’ he said. ‘Take him inside and deal with him. It doesn’t matter how much it costs. By the time you’re through, I don’t even want him to remember his father’s name.’
•
It was not until about noon the following day that I was finally able to lift myself out of bed and answer my phone. It was my mother.
‘Kingsley!’ she said with fire in her voice.
‘Mummy.’
‘You’re still sleeping?’
‘I’m a bit tired,’ I mumbled.
‘Kings, are you well?’ she asked with concern.
‘I’m fine.’
‘What’s the matter? Are you sure—’
‘Mummy, I’m fine.’
She paused. She remembered why she had called. Her voice resumed its initial fire.
‘Kingsley, why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Why didn’t I tell you what?’
‘I saw on the news last night that Boniface is contesting for governor. Is it true?’
Agreed, the Nigerian media were experts at conjuring headline news out of incidents that never happened, but surely my mother must have seen Cash Daddy declaring his good intentions to the world with his very own mouth.
‘Yes, he’s contesting.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me in advance?’
‘I didn’t? I thought I did.’
‘No, you didn’t.’
‘Oh.’
There was a pause.
‘Kings, have you started looking for another job?’
‘I’m working on it.’
‘That’s what you told me the last time.’
‘Mummy, I’m working on it.’
‘Where and where have you applied to?’
‘Different places.’
‘Does it mean not one of them has called you in for an interview yet?’
‘Mummy, you know how Nigeria is.’
‘Kings, please, please, please. Find a proper job. I don’t understand this so-called work you say you’re doing for Boniface. You know Nigerian politics is very dangerous.’