How Not to Be a Hot Mess - A Survival Guide for Modern Life - Craig Hase Page 0,28

You have read all the books. Books aren’t dharma. Dharma is here,” Lama Rinchen said, pointing at his own heart. “Dharma is only here. Where is your heart, William? Talking, talking, always talking, look what you have talked yourself into.”

Then Lama Rinchen, who had known William for many years, got personal. “You have destroyed your family,” he said quietly, calmly. “Two little girls. Can’t even see them. Wife won’t talk to you. Friends won’t talk to you. Your business is destroyed. Why?” Lama Rinchen said. “Because you’re talking, talking, talking. Dharma is all up here for you,” Lama Rinchen said, pointing to his own head. “But here, in the heart: arrogance. William knows, William always knows. William knows everything. Except how to live a dharma life.”

William stormed out of the center, calling Lama Rinchen a fool and a fake. After he had gone, Lama Rinchen turned to all of us and continued to answer the question.

Now, let me ask you, was what Lama Rinchen said true? Dead-on. Not a hint of exaggeration. Nor, for that matter, did he pull any punches. He said it exactly as he saw it.

Was what Lama Rinchen said kind? It certainly wasn’t sweet or accommodating. But from a Buddhist perspective, and this was clearly his intention, what he said was the central act of kindness. He saw that William, with his arrogance and gruffness, was creating terrible situations for himself. And he tried to help by forcefully pointing it out.

Was it timely? I think so. William was verbally crashing around the dharma hall, making it pretty hard for the rest of us to learn anything. He was also, in his own life outside the building, creating untold and unnecessary suffering for himself and everyone else. The time to say something was right then.

And was what Lama Rinchen said helpful? This is always a tough one. What I can say with total certainty, however, is that what Lama Rinchen said was intended to be helpful, both to William and to all the rest of us in the room. He was trying with great care to show us all how to live a decent life.

So you see, saying what’s true, and kind, and timely, and helpful doesn’t have to mean walking around like a big melting ball of mashed potatoes. It can mean being stern and forceful—but with the intention to truly benefit the situation, and even the jerky jerk in the room.

NOW RELAX

A lot of folks who encounter these teachings—well-meaning people, with good hearts, so earnest—can get very uptight. They can start to get exceedingly vigilant about their own speech. I’ve seen this many times with my dharma friends. It’s like they start to make these guidelines into epic rules. They apply these rules all over the place, to everything they say, and then to everything everyone else says, too.

At the same time, speech is a complex territory. A choppy ocean. It is, in fact, at the heart of the heart of the storm of our contemporary world. So what we want to do is keep a relaxed eye on our speech, lightly using these suggestions—and they’re just suggestions—as a way to make fewer unnecessary problems for ourselves as we navigate the hot mess of human beings talking to each other every day.

In this endeavor, we can apply the mindfulness that we’ve been developing in our meditation practice. Just as we bring a warm awareness, a kind attention, to our breath, we can bring a patient, continual attention to our speech. I’ve found that the body is a good barometer. When we’re saying something skillful, our bodies feel relaxed and good. And when we’re lying or blabbering or mouthing off, our bodies feel tight and hot and not-so-good. You can use this body awareness to tell you when you’re on or off track. You can also notice when what you’ve said was actually pretty well-intentioned but didn’t go so well. Intention and impact are two different things. We learn from our mistakes—we have to—and practice humility and patience and ask for forgiveness when we do mess up. Asking for forgiveness is another form of wise speech, and it doesn’t have to be all full of guilt and self-recrimination and apology. It’s not all about you. Simply acknowledge your mistake and the impact it made, remember your decent intentions, and then do it differently next time.

So we can notice when we really get off track. You will get off track! Just know that. Everybody gets off track.