How Not to Be a Hot Mess - A Survival Guide for Modern Life - Craig Hase Page 0,25

just better to lie. If only by omission.”

That’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn. Not to lie, really. But to know when to keep my mouth shut. Thankfully, a really long time ago, the Buddha offered a bunch of good advice on how to do just that. In fact, all those years ago, he didn’t just say, “Say what’s true,” he actually gave a handy-dandy list of questions to ask ourselves before we say anything at all.

TRUE, KIND, TIMELY, HELPFUL

Unlike the proto-Freudian hedonists of the human potential movement, with their utopian ideals of interpersonal authenticity, the Buddha actually recommended that we be pretty careful with our speech. In fact, he devoted a substantial portion of his substantial teachings to advising people about how to speak to each other. There could be whole books on the topic, in fact. (And there are.) But for our purposes we can sum up the Buddha’s advice in four simple questions. Questions you can ask yourself just before you open your mouth to say something—anytime, to anyone.

Is This True?

Is what I’m about to say true? Am I speaking the truth? Is what I’m saying clear and honest? Or am I bending things in some way? Am I spinning, pushing the truth a bit, massaging the facts to get something I want out of this interaction?

If the answer to any of these questions is anything but “Yup, this is true,” then the Buddha advises that you don’t speak. Instead, take a moment, hold your tongue, and consider other options.

Is This Kind?

Is what I am about to say kind? Is what I am about to fire off in this text or email considerate? Is this heated missive in an online forum caring? Is it taking into account the other person’s inner world? Even when that other person might be a loved one who has seriously pissed me off, or a total stranger who so obviously seems to deserve a whopping verbal punch in the proverbial face?

Again, if the answer to any of these questions is anything other than “Yes, what I am about to say is kind,” then the Buddha advises silence. Take a minute. Think things through. Is there a way to say this that’s kind? Or at the very least, not unkind? Ninety-nine out of a hundred times there is a way. You just have to find it. And once you start to realize how much less your life feels like it’s spinning out of control when you start to interact this way, you’ll be more and more motivated to try.

Is It Timely?

Is what I am about to say timely? Is this the right time to say this? If it’s eleven o’clock at night and your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other is about to fall asleep, is this the right time to bring up that thing that happened at eleven o’clock this morning and has been kind of troubling you, but not really that much, but actually, well, kind of a lot? I’m not saying it would definitely be the wrong time. But you could think it through. Might there be another time to bring this up honestly and kindly that would better serve the conversation?

Is It Helpful?

So these words are about to leave my mouth. Quick check: Are they actually helpful? Are they going to move the situation forward in the way I want? How will they land for the person (or people) in front of me?

Sometimes, for sure, it’s hard to know what’s helpful and what’s not. And it’s definitely tough to know just exactly how something will land for the people in our lives. But one surefire way to get it right a lot more of the time is to at least make sure your intention is to be helpful.

SKILLFUL SPEECH

There are people out there—and I’ve met a lot of them now—who follow these guidelines of True, Kind, Timely, Helpful beautifully. And they all have some things in common: they have good friends, stable community connections, a sort of quiet confidence, and they kind of glow.

There are, therefore, a lot of great examples I could offer. But the one I know best is my wife, Devon. Devon beams goodness at everyone she meets. When we go jogging together, for example, she smiles at every person we pass. Not in that awkward, socially conventional, I’m-smiling-because-I’m-supposed-to kind of way. It’s more like she’s saying, I’m so glad we share this planet together.

And you should see people’s reactions. I’ve seen strangers do a double take.