like a hibernating bear. I strike a meditative pose in the middle of the lumpy bed and take in a deep breath.
The session starts with soothing music until a man begins to speak in a sedated tone. “Find a comfortable position.”
That’s easy for him to say because he’s not on his family’s “practice mattress.”
“No cell phones or outside noise.”
But without my cell phone, how would I listen to the app?
“Let your eyes close and observe your breath. Observe if your breath flows in your belly.”
Doesn’t he mean lungs? Okay. Okay, I’ll stop overthinking and observe my breath in my belly.
“Imagine filling your belly like a balloon—”
Balloon belly? I take Midol for balloon belly.
“As you exhale, allow your breath to leave your belly in a gentle way. Observe how that feels.”
Oh, I didn’t listen and already exhaled.
“Go with it. Allow it to be a pleasure. Let it quiet your body. Let it quiet your mind and let go of the counting.”
I was supposed to be counting?
“As we begin our journey, imagine yourself in a white room. The walls are white. The floors are white. The ceiling is white. You are surrounded by white light. You are wearing white flowing clothing. Breathe into your belly and imagine you are a part of this white place.”
This guy sounds extremely beta.
“Allow the white surroundings to fill your center.”
The kind of beta who can’t figure out why he never gets the hot chick of his dreams. Men like this guy usually never get married and are very difficult to coach. They insist that women want beta men, but they don’t listen when I tell them that beta shouldn’t mean wimpy. Wimpy attracts wimpy. Not hot chicks. They need to step up and grow a pair or they’ll never attract the woman of their dreams. Too bad they usually don’t listen.
“You are walking past a smooth-flowing stream.”
Wait. How did I get to a stream?
I give up and toss my phone on the nightstand. I consider trying a meditation app by a woman next time as I search for the least lumpy place on the mattress. Without Mom yelling and snoring, the house is so quiet and still. I would say “like a tomb” if I weren’t haunted by the presence of the actual tombs right outside in the Sutton cemetery. I know Mom wants to “visit” her kin, but I hope she forgets about it for a while.
The creaking sound of footsteps draws my attention to the closed door. It can’t be Mom because no alarms have gone off. I wait for Lindsey’s knock, but she’s pacing up and down the hall. The creak of her footsteps is followed by slow squeaks and groans of the old wood floors. I’m wondering if she has restless legs or something when a sudden thump has me out of bed and heading for the door. I am afraid she’s fallen, but the hall is so dark I won’t be able to make out the outline of her body on the floor.
“Lou Ann,” she whispers.
I look toward her bedroom and think I see her head poking out the door, looking back at me. “Yeah,” I whisper back, although I don’t know why we’re whispering.
“Was that you?”
“No. I thought it was you.”
“No.”
The creaky footsteps continue from the bottom of the long, curved staircase now. “Is that Mom?” God, I hope she isn’t up and raring for round two. I’m exhausted and afraid I’ll break my vow of patience. “Did you set her alarm?”
“You were the last one out of her room.”
Crap. Maybe she just wants to spoon. Not ideal, but I’d rather do that than get yelled at again.
There’s a scraping sound like someone is dragging a shovel in the foyer. “That’s not Patricia! Someone’s in the house!”
I might have forgotten to set Mom’s alarm, but I made sure all the doors were locked before I came upstairs. It’s possible someone’s come through a window, but I need to stay calm and not give in to my fear. Scared shitless is not my best look. “Hold on,” I whisper just in case, and run to the mantel to grab at the outline of a candlestick. It’s heavy in my hand and could deliver a lethal blow to the head. Of course, that would mean I’d have to swing at close range in the dark and I’d rather not. I turn around and let out a startled little scream as Lindsey runs into me. I almost fall backward into the fireplace but