the front door of the house, it swings open and bangs into a wheel of the big horse-drawn carriage parked where I’d planned to park the Escalade. It’s a surrey with the fringe on top. I’ve seen carriages like this in museums and old movies, but this is longer, with three rows of seats. I imagine it was the family station wagon of its day. Mom would love this, but I don’t think I’ll tell her about it. No doubt she’d want to take it out for a spin, and I don’t trust the cracked wheels. Not to mention, I haven’t the slightest desire to rent carriage horses.
I flip on the light and move to the other side of the garage, where I find two cords: an orange hundred-foot extension and another fifty-footer. I grab both to be on the safe side, but the orange cord is more than I need. I spend the next few hours working and take a break from my writing long enough to sign up for weekly food delivery from Rouses and hire the Cajun Maids to come twice a month.
When the Cadillac is delivered, I find Lindsey in Mom’s room, insisting that she continue her daily exercise, which mostly consists of Mom doing arm and leg lifts with a big rubber band while seated.
“I already did this one!”
“We have to do three repetitions, Patricia.”
Exercise used to be part of Mom’s daily routine, but that was a while ago. These days she prefers watching TV and eating Pirate’s Booty. “No,” she says, and throws the big rubber band across the room. Both women have their arms folded across their chests in what appears to be a stalemate. Lindsey’s jaw is set, and my money’s on her. She’s bigger and more determined, and I’ve seen her battles with Mom about drinking enough water. She usually wins.
“We need to get going to the mattress store,” I say. I know I shouldn’t undermine Mother’s health care, but this could go on for hours. “It’s five already, and the store closes at six.”
Lindsey glances at me and relents. She wants a new mattress as much as I do. Mother, however, wants to continue the battle. “I’m not going.”
“You have to go and pick out a new mattress.”
“I don’t want a new mattress.”
“All the mattresses here are bad, Mom.”
She points to Jasper’s bed. “That one is good.”
I sat on that mattress and I know better. “Uncle Jasper died on that one.”
“I don’t care.”
She’s being stubborn, and I’m forced to think up a quick lie. “It won’t fit the bed frame you want.”
“Bring down the mattress with it.”
I said it was a “quick lie,” not a good one. “It was thrown out years ago,” I fib again, and don’t feel the least bit bad. I expect her to argue, but she rises, and I quickly usher her out the back door before she can change her mind.
“What a waste,” Mom says as I help her down the wooden steps. The overgrown shrubs make the same clicking sounds as they did the day before and I say a prayer for my Manolo heel, in there somewhere but as good as gone. No way am I crawling into those bug-infested bushes. “When Grandmere couldn’t have kids right off, she had a voodoo queen cast a fertility spell on that mattress. After a few years and a whole lotta practice, she birthed Jed and Jasper and Momma right on that mattress. I was born in New Orleans, where Momma and Daddy lived before he left.”
“Uh-huh.”
Mom sucks in a breath and lets out a dreamy sigh. “But I did practice on it a time or two with Jean Oliver and his cousin… What was his name?”
That gets my attention and I turn to Mom. “At the same time!” Gross. I slept—or tried to sleep—on that mattress last night. Lindsey’s eyes are filled with horror.
“He sure had a big—”
“I don’t want to know!”
“—mustache,” she continues.
Thank God.
“That mattress had magic powers.” She stops as I open the car door and the lighted running board slides out. “Now you’ll never have magic powers like me.”
“Bummer.” And yet, somehow, I’ll find the strength to live on.
8
Mom’s a horrible back-seat driver.
Raphael’s a horrible bird.
Lindsey’s a horrible chicken.
THE “PASSION RED” Escalade was the shorter option, but it’s still bigger than my Land Rover. I would have preferred a smaller SUV, but Mother loves a Cadillac. The center console is so loaded with buttons and gadgets that it takes Lindsey and me