away. Excuse the pun.” He is shaking his head and trying not to smile. Does this guy take anything seriously? We were having a good time. I was really starting to warm to him, and now I just feel annoyed.
“Okay, Ella, sorry, no more jokes. Tell me what’s going on. You seem really bothered by this whole thing.”
I look away from him. What if I tell him? Nobody except Gigi knows. He will be the second person to find out, and he is literally a stranger. He is not actually a part of my life. Does that make it easier?
I can feel his eyes on me. He’s waiting for an explanation. When I meet his eyes, I am determined to be proud. Proud of this baby growing inside me. I am going to be a mother, and I am happy about it.
“I’m pregnant,” I say.
Kirk’s brows furrow. This isn’t what he was expecting to hear.
“Oh! Sh…” he is about to curse but stops himself in time. “That must be exciting stuff!”
I press a hand to my belly. Very soon, I’m going to start showing and won’t be able to hide it from anybody then.
“I have to be careful and stay safe.”
“Of course, yeah, I didn’t know. Geez. Who’s the father?”
I have been dreading the question. It’s something I’m sure everyone is going to ask when they find out, and I don’t know what I’m going to say.
“Somebody I used to know,” I reply.
“He isn’t a part of your life anymore?” Kirk asks and I shake my head. The tears are stinging my eyes, but I’m holding them back.
“I don’t think so.”
He looks me over, not with pity, I hope.
“Well, this is going to be one lucky kid to have you as a mom,” he finally says.
23
Reed
The next ten days go by without incident, and on the outside, it probably looks like everything has returned to normal. Like my life hasn’t changed. I even manage to squeeze in two short trips. A few days in Geneva, a few days in Dubai. By the time I’m back in Chicago, I feel like meeting my mother happened a million years ago.
I don’t know how to forgive her for the things she said to me. More importantly, I don’t know how to forgive her for the things she did.
I have no other information about her. So I don’t know where she lives, if she even lives in Chicago anymore. I don’t know if I’ll see her again.
Tom is walking on eggshells around me. He is the only one who can sense how messed up this whole situation is. I haven’t even told Jay because I don’t want to listen to him lecture me about how I should make up with my mother. Let bygones be bygones and put family first.
The fact of the matter is that I never belonged to a family and I’m not about to start now. I’m fine the way I am.
Ella is gone too. I made sure of it. Maybe I shouldn’t have stormed into her apartment like that and been so dismissive of her or blamed her for all the shit that’s happened. I couldn’t hold back. I needed her to know that her actions have had their consequences. I don’t know if I can forgive her for going behind my back.
But that doesn’t stop me from still wanting her.
No matter where in the world I am, I always wake up expecting to see her face beside me. It has been so long since I had her. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t had another woman since. I just want her, but she’s gone from my life now, and I need to move on.
I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to put myself through the same experience I did that night at the bar. I don’t need to go looking for someone. I’m sure someone will fall into my lap soon enough. I just need to be ready for her and hope that I’ve moved on from Ella by then.
I’m in my bedroom, working on my laptop in the middle of the night. The only thing that gives me some clarity is my work. My plan was to slow down, take a backseat, take more vacations—but that isn’t something I can do anymore. I need to keep moving. Keep traveling and working. It’s the only way I can stay distracted from all the other shit in my life.
I check my inbox again and see an email there on top.