looking after you. Not after what I did. I mean, I could have killed you too. You were in the backseat. But you weren’t hurt. You were perfectly fine. Through some miracle, you were spared, and I just wanted to make sure you would always be safe. That meant I couldn’t keep you. I didn’t want to take the risk.”
I look into her eyes, trying to remain as calm as I can. There is rage bubbling inside me like molten lava, but I’m doing everything I can to keep a lid on it.
“Why didn’t you call Matthew and Sally? Literally anybody else from the family. Your parents?”
“Not my family. I hadn’t spoken to them since I ran away with your father, and I definitely wouldn’t want you growing up with them. I was lucky enough to have gotten away from them. Matt and Sal…yes, I should have gone to them. They would have done a great job of raising you. They loved you.”
“So why the fuck didn’t you?” I growl.
My mother gulps and breathes in deeply.
“I guess I was just very proud. I didn’t want to admit defeat. I didn’t want to tell them the reason why I was giving you up. I was ashamed. I thought it would be better to just cut off from them. Make them think we were happy and comfortable living our own lives without them in it.”
When I don’t speak, she continues.
“They never particularly liked me. Nobody did in that town. They all thought Dan could do better, that I’d tricked him somehow. They were right. He could definitely have done better. He never should have fallen in love with me.”
She breaks into sobs again and then wipes her eyes. I have my jaw and fists clenched. Trying not to move.
There’s a part of me that just wants her to leave. I don’t want to listen to any more of this. Then there’s another part of me that wants all the answers. I’m too conflicted and angry. There is a big part of me that blames Ella. None of this would have happened if she didn’t go digging around.
“Anyway, I don’t know if I can give you a logical explanation for why I did the things I did back then, Reed. I was twenty-two. Very young and very foolish, with an alcohol problem. I thought you deserved better. I’d killed my husband in an accident, which was completely my fault, and I figured you would be so much better off without me.”
“You had your chances over the years when you came to visit me. You could have said something. You saw how I was struggling in those homes.”
She nods, and another tear rolls down her cheeks.
“Yes, honey, but I also saw how strong you were. How smart and charismatic. A born leader. I knew it would break you if I introduced myself to you as your mother. Everything you’re feeling now, at forty-five, you would have felt with even more intensity and pain and anger as a teenager. Maybe that was a wrong decision too, but that’s what I decided to do. Keep myself hidden. To me, it looked like you were doing just fine without me. I didn’t know what else I could offer you.”
She sniffs. I’m still silent.
Eventually, I look away from her.
“Reed…I…” she murmurs and tries to come towards me, but I glare at her, forcing her to take some steps back.
“You’ve told me everything you wanted me to know. Or is there something else?” I thunder.
She has her mouth open, but no sound comes out.
“You should go now. You’ve done what you came here to do. You’ve got your closure. So, leave.”
Her lips are trembling, but she says nothing more. Just nods and then turns and leaves.
Just like that, I am alone again. Even though she’s gone, I still feel like someone is repeatedly punching my gut. Knocking the breath out of me.
22
Ella
On Saturday, I go to my prenatal aerobics class in the morning. My energy levels are at an all-time low these days, and I’m always hungry and tired. As each day goes by, I can feel my body change more and more. I can feel this baby growing inside me.
I feel a little better now after the gentle workout, and when I return to my apartment building, I’m shocked to find Reed waiting at the door. He’s never been up here before. I don’t know how he even knew which floor I live on.