throw up in the toilet. It’s not a pretty sight in here. There are pregnancy tests everywhere. When she rushed to my apartment earlier, she was sure to bring seven of them so there was no chance of getting it wrong.
She hauls me back and supports me over to the basin, where I wash my face and rinse my mouth, and then we both sit down on the bathroom floor.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s morning sickness. I mean, I haven’t been feeling sick, really.”
Gigi rubs my knees affectionately.
“I think you’re just in shock. You’ll be fine. I’ll go get you some water and orange juice.”
“No, please, stay here with me,” I cry out, reaching for her, and she pulls me into her arms.
I’m lying there physically supported by my best friend, and I have my eyes pressed closed. I don’t want to look at anything. I don’t want to face it. All the pregnancy tests came back positive. There is no denying it now. I am definitely pregnant, and Reed is going to be the father of my child.
Gigi strokes my hair.
“At least we were man and wife when we conceived this baby,” I say, and that makes her laugh. Hearing her chuckle gives me the courage to open my eyes.
She helps me sit up, and I stare at her. I don’t want to do this. I don’t think I can.
“Whatever you decide to do, Ella, you know you will always have me. Us.”
I nod. She may be the only person I will still have in my life because I am a hundred percent positive my family is not going to accept this pregnancy. They are going to be so disappointed in me. What if they never accept this baby into their lives?
“I can see you’re thinking of the worst possible scenarios,” Gigi says, and I clutch my stomach.
I think I am going to be sick again, but that sensation passes, and I take in a deep breath.
“This is a mistake. Everything was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken the job when I found out it was him. That it was Reed. I should have run out of the house and never looked back.”
“You know, Ella, if you decide to keep this baby, it will be one lucky child. You know how crazy Hudson is about you. You will make a wonderful mom,” she says.
I can feel my eyes brimming with tears. I think I’m going to cry again.
“What am I going to do about my new job?” I say and cover my face with my hands.
Gigi reaches for me, pulling my hands away.
“Everything will be all right, Ella. You’ll see. Isn’t that what you told me when Hudson happened to me? And you were right.”
I’m lying in bed with the lights turned off and the covers pulled up to my chin. I had to force Gigi to go back home so she could be with her family. I’m just pregnant; it’s not like I’m sick. I’m going to be fine, I told her.
But still, I couldn’t make myself go into work today. I had to call in sick. Instead, I’ve stayed in bed pretty much all day because I don’t know what else to do with myself.
I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I am going to be somebody’s mother.
I expected my first pregnancy to be full of wonder and joy, love and family. Instead, I’m all alone, and the father of my child will probably never know.
The thought of Reed makes me sit up in bed. I don’t know what the right thing is to do. Tell him? But he clearly doesn’t want a relationship. He said he was better off alone. Is that what he will think about his own child too?
I reach for my phone. I could email him. I scroll to our email exchanges in the past, reading them all over again like I do from time to time. I picture his handsome face. His strong arms around me.
That one magical night has led to this.
I can’t keep it a secret from him. I can’t deceive him like this. I shouldn’t be robbing him or this child of getting to know each other. And what about me? I don’t know anymore.
I don’t know what I want or what is the right thing to do. All I know is I can’t tell him over email. I have to break it to him in person.