wasn’t how he’d pictured his proposition to go. What else did he expect? That I’d jump at the opportunity to be with other guys?
“You know the problem with you, Ella, is that you’re too uptight. You haven’t really seen the world. You don’t know what other people do, how they are. You’re clinging to your virginity like it’s some kind of family heirloom.”
“Rodney, please, just stop.”
“We could be happy, like really happy, if you would just open your eyes and see.”
I turned from him and ran out of his apartment then. I didn’t want to hear any more of this. Every word of it was making me sick and I just wanted it to stop.
But just because Rodney made such an appalling suggestion and gave me a shocking ultimatum didn’t mean that I stopped loving him right then. That is not how feelings work, right?
But now, as I stand in the shower and stare at my wrinkly fingertips, I can’t remember what that felt like—to be in love with Rodney. All I feel when I remember him is shame and anger. I can’t believe I fell for a guy like him.
I find fresh clothes for me on the bed outside the bathroom. When I finally step out, I see Morgan is home. He’s playing with Hudson and the house is filled with laughter. Gigi sees me and comes rushing up to me.
“Morgan is taking Hudson out for a walk.”
“He doesn’t have to leave; I think it’s time for me to go back to my place.”
Gigi grabs my arm by my elbow and holds me back firmly.
“Ella, just stay awhile. Please? We haven’t talked properly in six months, and so much has happened.”
I can’t refuse her.
Morgan comes to give me a hug, and we see the two of them off at the door. As soon as Gigi shuts the front door, she turns to me again.
“You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened with Rodney,” she says.
“I’m not blaming myself, don’t worry. I just needed some time off from the usual routine. I wanted to try out something new and I did. It was an adventure, and I would do it again if I could.”
“But now you’re back,” Gigi says, taking my hands and leading me towards the living room again.
“Yeah, now I’m back and I need to get myself another job. I really hope my sudden decision to quit my previous job hasn’t had a big effect on my career. I don’t even know where to start looking for new work.”
Gigi sighs and nods. I know she won’t be able to offer much advice. Unlike her practical decision to major in business marketing, I decided to study history.
As I quickly discovered upon graduating from college, there aren’t exactly loads of high paying jobs on the market for a history major. I was lucky enough to get a research-based position at a marketing company, but now there was no hope of getting that job back. Not after I quit so suddenly and took off for six months without warning.
“I’m sure something will come up. Maybe get in touch with the college’s career counselors again. It might be helpful to have them in the loop.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” I say.
I turn the large TV on, just to fill in the silences in our conversation. I know Gigi is still trying to work her way around to returning to the Rodney topic, while I’m trying my best to avoid it.
“So in all these months while you explored Europe, did you like…meet anyone interesting? From what I hear, Europe is filled with the most interesting men.” She’s beaming at me now; there’s a flash in her eyes too. I smile at her, but I shrug.
“Yeah, I met a lot of interesting people. The backpacking community is pretty tightly knit and reliable. They’re always looking out for each other. I think I’ve made some new friends. If we do manage to keep in touch, that is. Staying at the hostels was a lot of fun.”
I know I’m babbling, trying to avoid the other topic.
“Yeah, but I’m talking about someone special. Come on, Ella, you know what I’m talking about. Do you want me to spell it out for you? Fine. Did you hook up with anyone in the last six months?”
I look Gigi straight in the eyes and say, “No,” firmly.
“Oh.”
“You look disappointed.”
“I guess I am. I was hoping you would have met someone who could take your mind off all the other