Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group #6) - Riley Edwards Page 0,52
couldn’t have kids, you’d leave me. Or worse—you’d stay, then you’d resent me for not giving you a family. So I left you before you could leave me. I left so you could find a real man. I didn’t come home to you to fuck you, I came home because I couldn’t breathe without you. I came home because I was so lost I didn’t know where to turn. I love you so damn much I can’t—”
“You stupid, stupid, dumb man.” Charleigh’s pain-filled whisper stopped Holden’s rant. “You ruined us for no reason. You destroyed my life for nothing.”
“Baby, please, try to understand.” Holden paused and wracked his brain for what he wanted her to understand.
Why he’d been scared.
Why he’d been a spineless prick.
Why he’d run from the best thing that ever happened to him.
“You selfishly, singlehandedly demolished me. And the worst part is, if you would’ve told me, if you would’ve asked, I would’ve told you that you were enough. We were enough. If all I ever had was you, I would’ve been happy. But you didn’t give me that. You didn’t give me the choice. You took control and left me powerless.”
“Baby, you wanted kids. You told me you did. That night, you were going on and on about all the places we’d go, all the adventures we’d have. I couldn’t give you that.”
Her tear-streaked face tilted up and sorrow-filled brown eyes met his.
“You mean you can’t give me that.”
The verbal sucker-punch left Holden without oxygen. There it was—he still wasn’t good enough, he was still half a man, he still couldn’t give her what she wanted.
Nothing had changed.
Charleigh would always be lost to him.
He felt it the moment it happened—all hope drained out of him and the shutters slammed shut.
He had no choice but to let the woman he loved go.
19
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing even though it was the second time Holden had told me why he left me. The first time left me reeling, wondering at the possibility that the man I loved would really leave me over something…hell, I didn’t know what to call it.
Insignificant? Though I could understand how it would be crushing to him, it didn’t mean the end for us.
Small? Although it was a big deal not being able to have children.
Selfish. Yeah, that was what I was looking for. Selfish as fuck. He took himself away from me instead of letting me be there for him. He left me instead of staying and allowing me to prove to him I loved him no matter what.
This time, hearing him say it was downright devastating. On top of everything, he knew about what Paul was doing, which was salt in the wound. It finally hit me, how little he’d trusted me.
“No, Charlotte, I can’t give you what you want.”
Calling me Charlotte was a low blow. No one but my parents called me by my full name. And he knew how much I hated it.
“There you go, Holden, doing what you do best—putting distance between us. Run. You’re so good at switching off your feelings you should teach a class. You’re a master at masking your emotions and making the people around you feel so unimportant and immaterial that I doubt you even realize you do it.”
“What do you want me to say? I left you because I wanted you to have—”
“Fuck. You. You left because you didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about something big in your life. You left me because you didn’t want to admit to me there was something medically wrong with you. You left me because you didn’t trust that I would love you in any way I could have you. Don’t push your insecurities onto me and make this about me. We could’ve adopted. We could’ve gone to a fertility doctor and had a family. Or guess what, we could’ve just lived our lives together and had wild adventures, just the two of us. But you didn’t give me the option. You stole that from me. You took yourself away from me, and for the last eight years, I’ve lived in hell wondering why. And now that I know, I wish I didn’t. I wish I could go back to wondering why you didn’t love me enough to fight for us.”
My hands came up to cover my face and my fingertips dug into my throbbing forehead.
“You still won’t fight,” I mumbled from behind my palms.