Whatever had gone down last night? When it came to Evan, I refused to recognize it as that term because there was nothing that we ever shared that could be considered hooking up.
That was sheer and utter defamation.
“You didn’t hook up?” She gestured to my knees that I didn’t even realize were rubbed raw and bright red. “Let me guess, you just tripped and fell and ended up with his dick in your mouth?”
My mouth flapped open.
“Just like that.” She grinned.
“It wasn’t anything like that,” I defended.
It was beautiful and wonderful and completely terrifying.
Because I was pretty sure if this boy left me again, I wouldn’t survive it this time.
In too deep.
That baby’s face flashed through my mind, pulsed through my spirit, and seated itself firmly in my heart.
I groaned with the impact of it, burying my face in my hands. “God . . . I really did go over there just to talk to him. Warn him about Jack goin’ off the rails. Hash out a little bit about what had happened Saturday night. Set some boundaries.”
I’d come to the resolution that I had to tell him we needed to wait.
That he had to give me time like I’d asked for.
Become friends again and see if we could mend the wounds enough so we could start thinkin’ about maybe going back the direction we’d been heading three years ago.
Before destruction had swooped in and annihilated the joy.
That maybe, just maybe we could lean on each other enough, trust in each other enough, that I could tell him what had happened.
Confide the truth.
Pray it wouldn’t rip him apart the way it’d done me.
“Then he went to looking at me the way he does and those boundaries went poof.” I lifted my hand in the air in a little exploding plume. “I truly have no control when it comes to him.”
Carly fanned herself. “I understand why you lose your mind when you’re around him. Seriously, I don’t know what happened, but that man became downright lickable. Like, ridiculous. He was always cute and all . . . but holy hot damn. And when he’s wearing those glasses? He’s like the male version of a hot librarian.”
I sat forward and leaned my arms on my knees, talking to the floor. “He was always beautiful to me.”
Even when he was my nerdy little froggy boy with his big glasses and wide eyes.
Shifting around to face me, Carly crisscrossed her legs. Could feel the mood grow serious. She touched my shoulder. “Hey . . . I’m teasing you. I stayed up waiting for you to get home because I was actually worried about you. I know this can’t be easy.”
Sadness crawled through my spirit, and I chewed at the inside of my cheek as I tried to figure out what it was that I was feeling. To process through the panic that had overtaken me when I’d awaken, curled up in Evan’s arms just as dawn was cracking the sky.
This feeling that no matter what direction I went, I was going to lose.
There were so many complications. So many unknowns. More tragedy than he knew. Part of me wanted to protect him from it, sure he would be destroyed when he found out the truth, the other was still angry that he hadn’t been there to share in that pain with me.
I glanced at her, words close to a plea. “I’m worried I’m already in too deep, Carly. That little boy . . .” I trailed off, not even able to complete the thought.
That I was terrified I was going to lose them both. Terrified of the way I’d been drawn to that crib when I’d awoken. The way I couldn’t help but reach down and rub Everett’s little back, pray that he was whole and well, that he would have the chance to soar and fly.
Pray that his mother wouldn’t harm him in some way. That she wouldn’t harm Evan by trying to steal him away.
Scariest was the realization that I was praying that it wouldn’t harm me.
Attached.
Connected.
In love.
Overcome with it, I’d crawled out Evan’s window without making a sound, knowing I needed some time to process it all. To figure out where we were headed and if I was ready to go there because I sure as hell couldn’t seem to put on the brakes when Evan was in my space.