I know it was against hospital policy for her to let me pass, but chances are she took one look at my tear-streaked face and thought, I don’t have time for this shit today, because she sighed, produced a nametag, and demanded I wear it before pointing down to a room at the very end of the hall.
I walked there on numb legs, reached for the door handle, and then paused, listening to the voices inside.
At the time, Cal’s doctor was going over things with him. Half the words I didn’t understand, and the rest I tried hard to ignore. It felt like an invasion of his privacy, so I lingered outside until he left.
The doctor eyed me curiously but didn’t say a word.
That was an hour ago.
Since then, nurses have come and gone. I’ve lingered.
I wasn’t at the hospital the last time Cal had a heart attack a few months back. No one told me he’d been admitted until he was back home, resting. I went over for dinner and Ava shared the news. It didn’t really hit me then how serious it was. He seemed fine to me. He was up, walking around, dressed in his usual clothes. Other than the healthy dinners Ava started to prepare for us, nothing had changed. He seemed fine, but that can’t be, because here he is, back in the hospital again so soon.
“Could you go get me a snack from the vending machine?” Cal asks Derek. “Something salty? I’m starving.”
“Are you serious?”
“Fine. How about a granola bar? That’s healthy enough, right? What? As if having my blood drawn a thousand times isn’t bad enough, now you’re all going to starve me to death?”
There’s more conversation, but it doesn’t carry out into the hall. Then the door opens and I straighten. Embarrassed, though I’m not sure why.
Derek walks out of the room with his head down, focused. Then he catches sight of me and halts mid-step. We stare. Silent.
He’s still in his costume from the parade—the only splash of color in the stark hospital hallway. The last few hours are visible in his heavy, drawn eyes and disheveled hair.
We stand like that for a few moments as he looks at me. I don’t know if he’s surprised I’m here or upset that I’m intruding. His gaze flits down to my name tag: Whitney Knightley. He offers a small smile. I offer an even smaller one, about to open my mouth to apologize when he nods his head toward the room.
“Go in. He’ll want to see you.”
I wait until the nurse leaves, pushing her cart, then I knock gently on the door.
“Cal? Is it all right if I come in? It’s Whitney.”
“Finally! Someone I actually want to see.” I step inside but stall near the door. “Please say you’ve got a snack on you. Some pretzels, maybe?”
I shake my head, nibbling on my bottom lip.
“Why are you crying?”
Oh.
“I’m not,” I lie, wiping my nose.
It’s just that he looks so fragile lying in that bed in his hospital gown, twenty years older than the last time I saw him, pale and hooked up to a thousand machines.
“You don’t think this is serious, do you?” His forehead crinkles. “C’mon, I need you on my side. They’re going to discharge me and we can head back home. Ava’s probably got dinner ready for us.”
“Cal.”
He sighs and pats the bed, encouraging me to come over.
Cal’s always been affectionate. Kisses on the cheek, heavy pats on the shoulder. He’s a warm, kind soul, and that’s why I reach down and hug him. I want his warmth, to assure myself it’s still there.
“You really don’t need to worry,” he says quietly, patting my back.
I feel silly. Derek wasn’t crying. Why am I?
I shake my head, not speaking.
“Are you upset about the lack of snacks in this place too? I feel like crying myself if I’m honest.”
I laugh and keep my face buried against his chest.
“Don’t…” Don’t make light of this. Don’t brush this off. “You’re my family,” I whisper against his chest.
“Of course I am. That’s why you have my last name on your name tag. I like the way that looks. It’s true, you know. I only ever had one grandson, but if I could have picked a granddaughter, I would have wanted her to be just like you.”
If his goal was to make me stop crying, he’s doing a piss-poor job.
Now, I’m sobbing against his chest. He’ll have to change his hospital gown with all the snot