she won’t eat much? She said they were always on her about wasting food, but I think it’s more than that.”
“You’re perceptive. Daralyn wasn't allowed to want things. If it looked like she had a desire for anything, and I do mean anything, she didn’t get it. Which meant if she acted too hungry, they took the food away. To survive, she learned to eat indifferently, even as her body was starving. It’s remarkable that she learned a complex adaptation like that at such a young age. After enough years of shutting it down in her head, it became a permanent thing, like it does for a severe anorexic. I’m not sure she even knows what genuine hunger is anymore.”
Rory thought about Daralyn’s cooking skills. What had it been like, cooking food for those two assholes to enjoy, while they denied her all but stingy bits of it?
But Dr. Taylor was wrong about one thing. Daralyn did know what genuine hunger was. He’d seen it, in her expression, in her body language, when he was touching her. Feeding that hunger, satisfying it, letting it open up until she felt free to consume everything in the world she wanted to taste, know, feel, learn, was something he welcomed, encouraged. Cherished.
He was tapping his push rim hard, alternating thumb and forefinger, a sign of agitation. He stopped when he saw the psychiatrist note the tell, but he met her gaze squarely, let her see his feelings. “When my punching bag is done for, do you have any good anger management techniques that will keep me from murdering her uncle?”
Dr. Taylor chuckled grimly. He appreciated the commiseration in her expression. “When Daralyn finally started to share more details on her family history, I kept a fifteen-minute block open after our sessions. I’d call my children, my husband, watch something on my computer that restored my faith in humanity. Because what can happen to the defenseless in this world is unimaginably horrific.”
She paused. “The problem seems so simple. She’s no longer under their control. She can simply say what she wants, do what she wants, and see there are no negative consequences. Over time, with repetition, she’ll become more comfortable with it, right? But it doesn’t work like that. It’s more like being trapped in a cave, with multiple exits, all of them sealed by cave-ins, and having only what’s in that cave with you to try and dig yourself out. Some things are going to work. Some aren’t. Some will work for a while, then break. And just as you’ve chipped out a good section, it undermines another part of the cave so it collapses again, this time leaving you even less space, less hope for freeing yourself.”
Christ. As a person watching Daralyn trying to claim happiness day by day, attempting to stretch her wings, the analogy was pretty much dead-on accurate. “Do you think she’ll ever get there?”
“I believe in her. I believe she’ll never stop trying.”
The simple answer wrenched his heart, because it matched his own. He met Dr. Taylor’s eyes. “Doc, tell me what I can do.”
“Keep doing what you’re doing. While Daralyn, your family, and I continue to do what we’re doing. Do you have any phobias, Mr. Wilder?”
“Rory,” he said.
She inclined her head. “Rory, then. While everyone else is armed with a million logical, verifiable reasons why the phobia is unfounded, it means nothing to the person with the fear. It is ingrained, a deep part of their makeup, usually tangled with many other issues. This is like that. It will take a lot of time, therapy and a mix of experiences to get her to the point she can express her own wants and needs. We won’t know exactly what combination will work…until it does.”
Her gaze met his. “Until then, she is a person who manages best on clear expectations and structure.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I was thinking maybe that’s why we’re doing okay together. Not just because I know her history. I, uh…I have kind of an old school approach to our relationship. Kind of a calling the shots thing.”
“You’re the dominant in a romantic relationship.” Her tone held no condemnation, which relieved him. A light smile played on her lips.
“You were braced for a feminist tirade, I see. Healthy relationships can take a variety of forms, and they have to be evaluated based on the people involved, not societal parameters.”
He expected she’d meant dominant generically, not a capital D, but he could still work