scanned the contents – deodorant, toothpaste, comb, moisturiser, various vitamins.
‘They’re in a bag. New prescription,’ he called through.
She crouched low and opened the cupboard, her eyes falling to a white paper bag on the top shelf. She grabbed it and peered in, finding what she was looking for, but as she was withdrawing, she caught sight of the sheer number of pill boxes and bottles in there. It was like a pharmacy stockroom, evidence of the vast chemical formulations that had been needed to put his body back together and now keep him functioning, pain-free. No wonder he hadn’t wanted her to see this; it was evidence of his frailty.
Like Jack’s. Just the sight of it threw her straight back into her own past, the medical detritus building up – more pills, more drugs – as the doctors had battled to keep him alive. Battled in vain. Jack had lost, and she had been lost with him.
‘Any time before I die of a brain haemorrhage would be good!’ he called, bringing her back to the moment.
She walked through a moment later and handed him the pills. ‘As someone who I understand had to undergo a craniotomy yourself, that’s not a particularly funny joke to make.’
‘Yes, well, I wouldn’t remember that.’
‘Hanna told me.’
‘It must be true, then,’ he muttered, slamming them in his mouth and swallowing them with a gulp of water, his eyes fixed upon her as she looked everywhere but at him. ‘. . . You’re particularly edgy today. How’s it going with Mats?’
‘That’s none of your business,’ she said, taking the glass from his hand – a little water left in the bottom – and walking it back to the table.
‘You looked like you were having a good time on Saturday night.’
‘Yes. We were.’
‘Are you going to see him again?’
‘That’s none of your business,’ she repeated.
He watched as she moved back across the room.
‘I’m going to check on Linus,’ she muttered, refusing to be drawn into whatever game he was playing with her. He thought he could be the cat to her mouse again? No chance.
‘Things are going well between Linus and me, thanks for asking,’ he said to her back.
She turned around and gave a laugh that would have made Nina proud. ‘Don’t kid yourself. You’ve got his attention only because you’re dazzling him with flashy boats and helicopter rides and private screenings.’
His mouth tightened. He didn’t like hearing the truth, but nor did he try to deny it. ‘Perhaps. But that’s all I can give him that Max can’t. I missed out on all his formative moments, I wasn’t there, he grew up without me – so now I’m having to create special memories with him myself.’
‘But that isn’t what he needs from you. He needs to feel safe. He needs to know you “see” him. You can’t just buy him.’
‘I’m not trying to.’
‘Yes, you are!’ she cried. ‘Of course you are. You think you can have whatever you want. Nothing is denied to you!’
‘You are!’ He sprang up from the bed with a suddenness that made her jump. ‘I don’t have you, do I?’ The words had seemingly left him without permission – no filter – as he looked back at her with an anger and resentment she couldn’t understand. He slumped, slightly, as though something had been pulled from him, leaving him exhausted. Empty. ‘I don’t have you, Bell.’
‘As I recall, you made the decision on that.’ Bitterness reflected off her words like bright lights.
‘Yes. I did.’ He walked slowly towards her. ‘Because it was the only decision I could make. It was the right one. I want my family back. I don’t want to want you.’ She could see the tension in his mouth as he spoke, emotions running across his face as he stopped just feet away. ‘It’s not supposed to be you! She was the last thing I saw before the accident. She was all I could think about when I woke up. She’s the reason I got back to this point. She’s the mother of my child. She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved. I can’t . . . I just can’t . . .’ His eyes roamed her face, kissing her without touch.
‘. . . Fall for the nanny?’ she finished for him, feeling flattened. Because she got it, she did. A one-night hook-up couldn’t be allowed to derail a marriage, a family, a life. ‘I know.’
‘But you don’t.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘Because when I close my eyes