‘I know. But now he just says what he feels, and when a man wants you and tells you like that –’
His hand in her hair. ‘Bell.’ A fragile sound giving shape to a wish.
Hanna gave an involuntary shudder, and Bell knew she was right. She clearly remembered how he had looked at her in the moonlight too, that same night; the same way he had looked at her on Midsommar’s . . . It had been the abandonment in his eyes that had undone her.
‘Bell.’ A shape to a need.
‘When I went to check on him, he was already waiting for me –’
‘Bell.’ An apology, regret. Conviction.
‘– I knew the moment I walked in . . . All those months, I’ve been trying so hard to resist what we both knew was there, circling around it, trying to deny it . . . I just couldn’t pretend any more.’
‘I’m awake.’
Bell felt a hollow in the pit of her stomach, every word a knife to her heart. She had confused his feelings for Hanna as feelings for her. Or he had. She wasn’t sure – everything was so tangled, pulled and tugged into a tight, hard knot. ‘Well,’ she managed, her words little more than a mumble. ‘You’d both had another scare. You thought you might have lost him again. That’s bound to focus the mind.’
‘It did. I’ve been living on my nerves for months and I’ve been so frightened, so confused—’
‘Coffees, as promised.’ Max’s voice startled them both, and they looked round to see him coming through with the mugs on a tray. ‘Apologies if you’ve been waiting for it, but I thought I’d give you both time to talk through the happy news.’
‘Happy news?’ Bell asked after a beat, hearing his wry tone as Hanna physically straightened, composing herself back into his capable, loving wife.
‘Thank you, darling,’ she said with a tight smile as he handed her a mug. ‘I was actually just about to get to that bit.’
Happy news? After being ‘frightened’ and ‘confused’?
Max frowned as he set the tray down on the wooden cube block that served as an outdoor table. ‘You mean you haven’t told her yet? What on earth have you been talking about for all this time then?’
There was a startled silence, and then –
‘Linus,’ both she and Hanna said together.
‘Oh.’ He sat down on Hanna’s other side, one ankle resting on the opposite knee, and lifted the binoculars he had brought out with the drinks. ‘Think I just saw some eider ducks,’ he murmured.
The women exchanged looks.
‘Anyway, Bell,’ Hanna said after a moment, her tone lapsing back into the brisk efficiency Bell knew so well; the mask was back on, the actors were on the stage. ‘You made it perfectly clear to Max you don’t want to have to stay at Emil’s going forward, and we respect that. Linus is bonding well with his father and, as you say, there’s no need for you to be there when you can be more valuable here, with the girls.’
Bell gave a wary smile. ‘But . . .?’ she prompted, looking between them both. She had an instinct for provisos.
Hanna inflated herself with a nervous intake of breath. ‘Well, it’s Emil’s birthday tomorrow, and clearly . . . well, clearly he’s had a rough time. It’ll be the first birthday he’s celebrated since he was . . . God . . . since he was twenty-four –’ Her voice broke suddenly, and she pressed a hand to her mouth as a sob escaped her.
Max leaned forward, rubbing her shoulder. ‘Hey,’ he shushed.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, a single tear wiggling down her cheek. ‘Sometimes it just hits me.’
‘It’s bound to,’ Max murmured, glancing at Bell apprehensively.
Bell gave a worried smile back, but it was clear Hanna was buckling under the strain of pretence. She was mired in lies. Living two lives. This couldn’t carry on . . . It wouldn’t.
Hanna sniffed and tried to straighten up. ‘Sorry. Sorry.’
Bell waited, feeling her own nerves fray. She didn’t care if it was Emil’s birthday tomorrow. As long as what Hanna was about to tell her didn’t involve her in any way . . . She didn’t want to see him again; she couldn’t. The expression in his eyes as he’d looked at her across the bedroom, Hanna beside him . . . I’m awake. She never wanted to see him again.
Hanna composed herself. ‘Anyway, it’s his birthday tomorrow, and it’s only right it