In college. Playing football. I wasn’t supposed to be everyone’s dad.”
The responsibility, all that he’d given up, it had hit him like a ton of bricks then. His grief had finally cleared enough for him to see right where he was, and it had been...well it had been hell.
Logan had gotten him through that moment. Logan had seen the weakest part of him.
It wasn’t long after that Sammy had shown up. And if not for her...
Well he’d have been sure to break down again.
That didn’t mean Logan was right about this, though.
“I’m not. I don’t want anything to do with that. Marriage and kids and all of that. It’s not for me.”
His feelings for Sammy weren’t...marriage and kids feelings. It was nothing like his mom and dad.
It was all twisted up in the trauma he’d gone through back then. The place he’d been when she’d come into his life.
In the violence he’d saved her from.
His connection with her was feral, raw and too intense. He’d channeled it into protecting her, because that was the safest for them both.
What he felt for Sammy was all-encompassing. It was part of every breath he took.
But it damn sure wasn’t love.
“Right. That’s why you’re still here. In this house. Doing the same thing that you’ve always done. Because the domestic life just isn’t for you.”
“Running a ranch on my own terms is not the same as being answerable to a wife or kids. It’s not the same as having to take care of a pack of wild brats when you’re trying to graduate from high school.”
“Look,” Logan said. “I’m not pretending to have any idea of what you went through when all that happened.”
“The same basic thing you did.”
Logan shook his head. “No. You know that’s not true. You know it’s not. We all lost the same, but you took care of us. And I get that’s a thing. But... I also can see that Sammy means a lot to you.”
“She does,” he said, firming his jaw. “Basically everything. But that doesn’t change the reality of who I am and what I want.”
“What you want? Or what you’re not scared of?”
“I ain’t scared of shit.” He swung the ax down on the wood again, and the sound of it split the air.
Logan chuckled. “So you’re going to help her find a guy to have a baby with?”
“It was either that or she was going to leave.”
Logan shook his head. “Well, maybe she needs to leave.”
Ryder stopped, giving his friend an icy glare. “None of this is your business.”
Logan shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t care.”
“Don’t you have work to do?”
“You know you can let other people help you sometimes.”
“Have you offered any help? I’m standing here cutting wood by myself.”
“I’m pointing something out to you that you should maybe pay attention to.”
“That you think I’m in love with Sammy.” In love. That wasn’t the right word for what he felt for her. He didn’t like what he felt for her; he never really had. Because it was too big to breathe around, and he resented it. Because after his parents had died he’d been stripped of something essential, and in some ways it felt like Sammy had given it back to him. But it was on loan, and he was very, very aware of that. And if she removed herself, she would remove that, too.
And he would be right back where he started.
Hollowed out.
“Yeah,” Logan said.
Ryder shook his head. “I’m not. I... I care about her.”
“You want her.”
That was the most disturbing of the things that he’d said. That was the truth of it. Because of course he loved her. He just didn’t consider that the same thing as being in love. But he cared for his entire family. Saying that there was no love involved would be stupid. He didn’t stay here and work this land, didn’t stay near everybody, because he felt neutral about them.
Wanting Sammy felt... Hell. He thought she was beautiful. Looking at her sometimes hurt. But him putting his hands on her... No. That was like cursing in a church. Treading on sacred ground in muddy boots.
He couldn’t touch her.
So you’ll let someone else do it?
He gritted his teeth and positioned another piece of wood for splitting.
“Hey,” Logan said. “Maybe I’m wrong.”
“You’re wrong,” Ryder said.
Because being in love with somebody was domestic and sweet. Because it was a bright and shiny memory from his childhood. The way his parents had been with each other. The way they had complemented each