to you. They’re their own people. And if you’re not there, they have to make their way without you. They don’t exist for you.”
“You don’t think I know that?” She could feel her pulse beating in her temples, behind her eyes. Could feel blood rushing into her cheeks. She didn’t get mad very often. She had seen the drastic effects that anger could have on a life. On people. And she had never wanted to be like that. Sure, she was a petite woman and not a man with big, bruising fists, but you didn’t need to hit in order to cause pain. So she did her best to keep her temper locked down. But not now. Right now she was going to let it fly. “My father treated me like his own personal punching bag. And my mother treated me like a human shield. That isn’t...”
“I know you know it,” Ryder said. “But are you thinking clearly right now? Because you want this thing, and I know you, Sammy. You’re impulsive. And you like to shock people. So do I think that some of this is you wanting to make a little bit of noise? Yeah. And do I even think that maybe it’s because Pansy has something and you don’t? Yes.”
“I as much as said that. But you’re twisting it to make it sound like I’m doing something to take the focus off her, and I’m not. It’s just that what she did... Where she’s at in her life, it makes me conscious of what I’m not doing. Do people want babies for selfless reasons? Or do they want babies because they want them. I mean, eventually I’ll know the kid, and I’ll know exactly what I want for them. But until then... I guess it starts with me wanting them, right?”
“Yeah, but because you want to give, not because you want to take.”
“That you think I... That I would just take from my own child is about the lowest thing that anyone could ever have said to me. And I thought you knew me better than that.”
It was what her mother thought. That she couldn’t do this. That she would be a bad mom.
She had never expected for Ryder to say something like that to her.
“I thought I knew you, too, and then you looked up at me and said you wanted to have a baby. And everything in my life turned a little bit sideways. I guess I don’t know you all that well, Sammy.”
“This is...” She stomped down the porch steps. And then she stomped right back up. “This is bullshit,” she said. “I deserve more credit than this. I have been here... I have been here all this time. And you have taken care of me. And I appreciate that. But I’ve taken care of you. Who cooked you dinner tonight? I did. And yes, Ryder, when I came over here it was because I wanted people to care about me. Because I looked in your yard and I saw happiness and chaos and freedom that I didn’t have in mine. It wasn’t about greener grass. It was about finding a life. So yes, when I came over here it was for me. But the love that I feel for all of you... What followed was my desire to give to you. And that’s what has made this family for me. It’s what’s made this real. I know that’s what’s going to happen with the baby. I know it is. So don’t lecture me.” She took a deep, jagged breath. “Don’t think so little of me.”
“It’s not thinking little of you,” he said. “But it’s uncharted territory. And I know you. I know you, Sammy, and you’re great at a lot of things. You are capable of things that I can’t even fathom. But this is what I know. Responsibility. What it means to have to set everything aside to care for other people. You were escaping something when you came here, Sammy, and that doesn’t mean you don’t love us. I was just handed a whole hell of a lot of responsibility. I didn’t choose it. I didn’t have something worse that I was leaving behind. I had something great.”
“And you think that I have something great? What is that? My camper? Our friendship? Those are great things. But I’m not going to leave any of it behind. And... I am choosing this. I’m choosing this just like I chose being with this