Here the Whole Time - Vitor Martins Page 0,57

I say, trying to change the subject.

“Oh, I don’t know. How old were we when we stopped hanging out every day? Twelve?”

“Thirteen.”

“Whoa, thirteen years old! That was a hard time for me.”

“Thirteen isn’t easy for anybody,” I remark.

“Sometimes you talk as if you were sixty.”

“Sometimes I feel like I am sixty.”

Caio laughs and reaches out to give my shoulder a light punch. I feel my face burn; I don’t think I’ll ever be ready when he touches me.

“When I was thirteen, I was in the drama club. My mom didn’t know, of course. But the teacher crushed all my dreams telling me I wasn’t in my element when I was acting. I got over it quickly and took dance classes. I really liked them, but then my mom found out about it and told me I had to focus on ‘boy stuff.’ ” Caio makes air quotes on the last part.

“You’re like Billy Elliot, then!” I say, excited. Because I’m crazy about Billy Elliot. And probably about Caio, too.

“Billy who?”

“The movie,” I explain, a little frustrated. “About the boy who dreams of becoming a dancer, but his dad won’t have it. Spoiler: At the end of the movie, his dad ends up being fine with it, Billy becomes a great dancer, and years later the movie becomes a fantastic musical with several compositions by Elton John.”

“Lipé, you’re a walking gay encyclopedia. I love that about you,” Caio says, laughing, and I feel my hand breaking into a sweat because Caio loves something about me.

“I like that! Maybe I’ll try to make ‘walking gay encyclopedia’ into a profession!” I say. “I wonder if I can make money with it?”

“You can have your own game show on TV, testing the participants’ knowledge about gay culture!” Caio suggests excitedly.

I’m smiling because it sounds like just the kind of thing my mom and I like to watch.

“Okay, practice round! Which band inspired Lady Gaga’s stage name? Clock’s ticking!” I almost shout.

“It was … It was …” Caio gets into character immediately. He sits on his mattress to think about it. “Queen! Queen! Queen’s ‘Radio Ga Ga’!” he finally yells, shaking my arm.

“Ssshhh.” I try to keep it down because my mom might be asleep. “Correct. But that was an easy one, too. You have six points.”

“Give me another one!” Caio says in a near whisper.

“What is Madonna’s real name?”

“I need a hint,” Caio says quickly.

I make up the rule on the spot. “If I give you a hint, the right answer will be worth only half the points.”

“I’ll take it.”

“All right, then. It starts with an M.”

“Mary … Jane?” he guesses.

“Incorrect! Her name is actually Madonna!”

“Not fair!” Caio whispers, trying really hard not to shout. “That was a trick question.”

“Nobody said it was easy! You lose twelve points.”

Caio laughs out loud. “Your points system makes absolutely no sense!”

“I know! My show, my rules. Next question,” I say, taking the whole TV host character thing very seriously. “In which year was the movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert released?”

“I need options for that one!” Caio pleads.

“All right, 1994, 1995, or 1996?”

“’94?”

“Is that your final answer?” I ask, in a terrible imitation of Regis Philbin.

“No! It’s ’95!”

“Wrong!” I say. “It was ’94!”

“I suck at this game,” Caio says, pretending to cry.

And we go on like that for quite some time. I make up questions and decide how many points each one is worth, and Caio does his best to get them all right. Sometimes I add easy questions because I’m nice and don’t want to see Caio lose.

When we’re done playing and my eyes finally close to sleep, I still have a smile on my face.

STAYING UP LATE THINKING OF gay culture trivia questions for my imaginary TV show made me wake up late today. The morning flies by, and suddenly it’s already time for my weekly appointment with Olivia.

I try to organize my thoughts on the way to therapy. For the second week in a row, I have a lot to say, and it makes me anxious and a little worried.

When I get to Olivia’s office (drenched in sweat, as usual), I sit in the armchair, grab a yogurt candy from the table, and don’t even know where to begin.

“So, Felipe, how did the week go?” Olivia asks, kind as always.

“You’ll probably think I died and was replaced by someone else,” I answer. She looks puzzled. “A lot happened in the last few days. Things that never, ever, under any circumstance, have