Here the Whole Time - Vitor Martins Page 0,21

himself.

“No, Mom, I’m not huffing. Look, it’s too early. I’ll talk to you later. Everything is fine. Enjoy your trip, and if you want to talk to me, just text!” And without bothering to whisper now, he says, “No need to call!” then hangs up.

I must have given up on pretending to sleep, and when I realize it, Caio is looking at me as I stare at the ceiling.

“Sorry if I woke you up,” he says. “My mom wanted to call because, according to her, she needs to hear my voice to know that I’m fine. Because the two hundred texts she sends every day aren’t enough.” Caio laughs briefly, but I can still see that he’s nervous.

“No worries, I was already half-awake,” I say. “My mom is like that, too. She sends me a thousand messages when I’m not around. You should have seen it when she discovered emojis!”

Caio laughs, and I feel like a dirty liar, because of course that’s not true (except for the emoji part, since my mom loves to overuse them). She never texts me out of worry when I’m not around because A) she’s not like that, and B) I’m always around. But for some reason, I think that pointing out some of my mom’s flaws might make Caio like his better. And—I know, I know—that makes absolutely no sense.

“Moms,” he says with a sigh.

“Aye, aye,” I say, because I have no idea how else to continue this conversation.

And then we lie there in silence, doing stuff on our phones, and I wonder how people used to avoid awkward silence before smartphones where invented.

Next to Cake Saturdays, Tuesdays are my favorite day of the week, because that’s when I get to meet with Olivia. A few weeks after I came out to my mom, she suggested I start going to therapy. At the time, I was a little scared because I wasn’t sure if she was trying to “cure” me, or if she thought I was crazy. She patiently explained to me that going to therapy doesn’t mean I’m crazy.

“By the way, a lot of people develop issues precisely because they’re not in therapy,” she said, laughing.

Talking to Olivia always makes me feel so good that I wait anxiously for Tuesdays. Therapy isn’t like cold medicine, where you take one pill and then feel better the next day. I remember the first time I met Olivia, thinking she was going to give me all the secrets to a happy life and I’d walk out of our session magically thin and hot. That’s not how it works; it’s a long journey. But trust me, this story would be twice as dramatic and three times more self-deprecating if it weren’t for my therapist.

I leave right after lunch, and when I get to her office, Olivia is waiting for me with the same smile she always wears. She’s Black and the tallest woman I’ve ever seen in my life. Her thick curls are always wrapped in a different way with a scarf, and her clothes are always very elegant.

I’ve never asked about her age because I don’t think there’s ever a right time to ask, “So, how old are you?” But I suspect she’s about fortysomething. She doesn’t look like she’s in her forties, but more like someone who tells you she’s forty and then you’re surprised because you would’ve guessed thirty.

Olivia’s office is small but very cozy. There’s no chaise longue like in the movies (to my disappointment), but there’s a big, comfortable armchair. I don’t feel as large sitting on it.

On the wall next to the window, there’s a shelf with a bunch of knickknacks. Most of them are little dolls sitting on a couch near a little sign that says PSYCHOLOGY. Of all of them, only one is Black. I guess that says a lot about the knickknacks industry.

“So, Felipe, how has your week been?” Olivia asks after welcoming me and offering water, coffee, and yogurt hard candy.

I pop a candy in my mouth as I think of where to start.

This week has been a whirlwind because nothing ever happens in my life, and then suddenly everything happened. In our sessions, I usually talk about my problems in school, or about how I managed not to cry for four days straight. But today I have a lot to say. So I spill it all out.

I tell her about Caio staying with us and how his presence makes me feel completely desperate. I tell her