With time that would start feeling better, but now I was just numb.
I ended the call and put the phone in my hoodie pocket.
“Looks like we have our funding.” I said the words breathlessly and looked over at the window. It was gray and wet today, the Texas sunshine I’d gotten so used to replaced by gloomy weather.
“That’s great, hon.” José’s voice had that same worried tone he’d had since yesterday. It was New Year’s Day and instead of being hungover and sleeping in with Rocco, I was on my couch wearing the same clothes I’d worn forty-eight hours ago, and utterly miserable. I couldn’t even take a deep breath.
I put my head on my knees, my arms tightened around myself. Tears just seeped out of my eyes on their own. There was no helping it, and if I had it in me to feel anything at all, I would’ve been furious at myself for letting this happen again.
I heard movement and turned around to see José texting furiously, his face grim as he tapped his phone. Salome was just sitting there looking worried. I was so tired of being the pathetic friend who got dumped.
“Guys, I’ll be fine. Why don’t you just go home?” I laughed, trying desperately to show even some semblance of normalcy.
It didn’t work.
They shook their heads in unison. “No, mi amor. We’re staying right here. Besides, where the hell are we even going to go?” That was Salome. She was right. We were supposed to all be at Rocco’s today for a boozy brunch. Maybe he was still doing it.
“You guys can go to his place for the brunch.” I didn’t have to say who. “I won’t feel betrayed or anything.”
At this, José snapped his head up and gave Salome a weird look. I wanted to ask them if they knew how he was doing, if he was okay, and I hated myself for it. Because even after all this, I still loved him. I missed him.
I shuddered out a breath, and went back to staring at the window. “His place probably doesn’t feel like a funeral. You guys should go.”
I heard them whisper behind me and I closed my eyes, trying to shut it out, then José’s voice got louder.
“No. I’m going to tell her.” I snapped my head up to find Salome and José in a stare-off.
“J, it is not our business to tell her, we don’t even know what’s going on.”
José’s face was blotchy when he stood up. He walked over and sat on the coffee table right across from me. Beyond him I saw the box of canned pigeon peas Rocco had brought when he picked me up at the airport. I ruthlessly shut down the memory of him teasing me about how he got them because he thought I’d run out.
But when I really looked at Salome and José, I finally understood there was something serious going on. Her face looked scared, worried. His was angry and sad.
“What happened?” I asked, knowing it had to somehow be about Rocco.
“What happened is that I’m not going to let you think that man doesn’t love you.”
“José—” Salome balked, clearly alarmed.
“No!” José yelled as he stood up again, both hands up like he needed to keep a distance, to say what he needed to say. “I would give anything—anything—to get a do-over of those last hours with James.” He was openly sobbing now and I had no idea what was happening. I stood up to hug him while Salome looked on, terrified of all the emoting going on. I almost laughed.
He pulled away after a second, wiping his eyes roughly. “This is not about me. This is about you, Julia.” He said it looking at Salome, who stood there shaking her head in resignation. “Rocco ended up telling the board that he thought keeping Sturm’s integrity was more important than the IPO. He stood up there and asked them to keep the foundation programs, hon.” I kept my eyes focused on his fluttering hands as my head spun.
I felt dizzy from all the things running through my head. “He did what?”
“He basically put his job on the line, his project, and the promotion he was counting on trying to make a case for keeping the social responsibility programs intact.”
I stood and before I knew it, I had my coat on and my keys in my hand. “That asshole. Why does he think he needs to fix everything for everyone?”