moment my plane touched down in Madrid, I’ve wanted to win.”
Tim understood that desire, and he could feel Isaac’s conviction wafting off him in waves. “You really think this is your last Olympics?”
Isaac nodded. “I mean, never say never. I’m not even that old. Four years from now I’ll only be thirty-three. I might still be competitive then. But I think… I think for my own sanity, I need to find another purpose. Because I could do another Olympics, but I’ve got maybe five years of competition left in me at the outside before my body gives out and I won’t be able to compete with the younger swimmers. My lack of a purpose got me in trouble last time. So now’s the time to figure out what to do next.”
“Any ideas?” Tim wanted to ask more about what Isaac meant, but didn’t want to push it when Isaac seemed open to sharing. And Tim of course knew that one day he’d have to do something with his life that was not diving, but a graduate degree in sports medicine called to him when his career ended. He always figured he’d set up a practice or consulting business once he finished school. Each elite athlete had a shelf life, which Tim had known from the moment he’d opted to train instead of going to grad school. Not having a real plan? That was anxiety-inducing.
Isaac laughed. “Nope. I mean, usually swimmers my age? They get married and have kids. Family becomes their purpose. Then they get coaching jobs or whatever. Or nonswimming jobs. I know a guy who swam in three Olympics and then became a lawyer.”
“Wow.” That seemed so normal. Getting married, getting a nonsports job. That much normalcy felt surreal in a way, foreign from life as Tim had known it, something he saw on TV but hadn’t experienced much of himself. He doubted Isaac could relate to it much either.
“Yeah.” Isaac stared unfocused toward the TV. “But who the hell would marry me? A has-been Olympian alcoholic.” He shook his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to invite you to my pity party.”
“It’s okay.” Tim searched for something to say. He had some experience with feeling unwanted. “I just mean, I don’t think you’re some loser, and I don’t mind you saying what you feel. I’ve been there. I felt like the biggest idiot after I broke up with Pat.”
Isaac nodded slowly. “Yeah. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for you to do that with everyone watching.”
“That did kind of make everything worse.”
Isaac looked off into the distance again. “I called my doctor a little while ago. My doctor from rehab, that is. I talk to him when I’m struggling. I’m happy to be here, I am, but I’m surprised by how pulled apart I feel. I want to win, and I’m worried I won’t, and that makes me want to drink.”
“You drank during your last Olympics.” It wasn’t a question. Tim tried not to judge Isaac for it, though. He understood intellectually that Isaac had been in the grips of addiction. Isaac’s honesty surprised Tim but made him admire Isaac too, for being so plain about it.
“Yeah. It’s surprisingly easy to get booze in the Olympic Village.”
“Did you swim drunk?”
“No. I respect the sport too much for that.” Isaac let out a sigh. “Still, I felt like shit most of the time four years ago. Now I feel good, I trained right, and I’m clean and sober. If I can win a silver medal with a hangover, I should be able to do anything now.”
Tim admired Isaac’s determination and found himself drawn to it. He wanted to touch Isaac, to comfort him, but despite the frankness of this conversation, they barely knew each other. He shifted his weight on the sofa and his knee brushed against Isaac’s.
“All that training should mean something,” Isaac said.
“Yeah,” said Tim. “I miss chocolate cake. I’m on a strict diet now. My chef won’t let me near sugar.”
“You have a chef?”
“You have a chef.”
Isaac nodded. “I can afford one now. At least when I was drinking, I was too busy being drunk to spend my endorsement money. God knows when I’ll ever get another endorsement deal.”
Tim wrinkled his nose. “I hate endorsements. I shot a commercial a few months ago. Most humiliating thing I ever did.”
“What was the commercial for?”
Tim held up the protein bar wrapper. “A different brand of these things. It’s supposed to air during the Olympics